Come Fly with Me! A Humorous Look at Today's Air Travel

Yesteryear
Ah, but let's go back to yesteryear. Are you old enough to remember plenty of leg room? How about an actual meal being served by a pretty stewardess (yes, they were called stewardesses then...and they were all female) asking if you'd prefer coffee, tea, or milk. I remember being surrounded by empty seats, so I was not stuck in between two people...one invariably an obnoxious guy telling bad jokes , and the other, a woman with a crying baby. It wasn't unusual to even have three seats to myself...plenty of room to grab a pillow and take a nap. Most folks were dressed up...men in suits and ladies in dresses. Now let's fast-forward to flying today...

Pre-Boarding
I realize the security lines are, unfortunately, necessary in the world we have now. However, I do resent a little that I'm being herded like part of a cattle call. I'm also not too crazy about that drill-sergeant-type security guard yelling at me to get over to the next line, take off my shoes, and above all, to keep moving! Going through a metal detector is bad enough. What's even worse is being yanked out of line. I am scanned with their wand device. I feel like a criminal somehow. I wonder if anyone's ever been arrested for leaving a penny in his pocket. After I clear the security line, I finish my ordeal with Checkpoint Charlie. Now I am ready for the nearly full hour and a half wait, as instructed, before my flight. I take an uncomfortable seat and begin listening to someone else's endless cell phone calls. Why do people yell into those things? Okay, I'll get up from this sitting area and go to the lounge. Maybe a nice cocktail to settle my nerves would do me good at this point. I am served a watery draft beer and pay the price I normally do for an entire twelve-pack. "$7.95?" I gasp. Plus tip, of course.

Air Bound
Now I'm on the plane and the fun really starts. We are already late taking off. I look and think, "How do they get so many seats crammed into one medium-sized jet?" Granted, it's a discount airline, but I get the uneasy feeling that they might start putting people in the cargo hold next! I know that's where they would put anyone who lit up a cigarette. "Put away your electronic devices," they announce. The man next to me has more gadgets than they carry on Star Trek. Let's see...he has a cell phone, a pager, a small laptop, and earplugs. Not sure what else is inside his bag. Maybe he should be on the space shuttle. Is he taking technology a little too far? There are no movies or luxuries of any sort on this no-frills bird. Maybe that's why Mr. Gadget has his laptop. I settle for an old magazine that someone has left behind. A "flight attendant" snarls and asks me what kind of soft drink I would like. Then he plops a little ice-cube into a plastic cup and rolls his eyes when I change my order to ginger ale. (I'm paying over $400 for the privilege of flying?!) After we have reached our "designated altitude", it seems we quickly start a descent in order to drop passengers off and pick new ones up before taking off once more. I get the feeling that I am on the cross-town bus at rush hour. Who's in the cockpit, Ralph Kramden? When we finally arrive at our destination, we are told, with some phony enthusiasm, that it has been a real pleasure serving us! Sure it has.

The airline industry says that they are having a tough time these days. Hmmm...wonder why. I have a new appreciation for why rich people always seem to own private jets. At last, thankfully, I am home safely. I wonder if train travel will ever make a comeback.

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