Comebacks: How to Handle Insults

Isn't it a downer that when insulted, you can never think of the perfect comeback until it's too late? When comebacks flow from the tongue, we feel elated, powerful, and unstoppable. But when someone unexpectedly offends you and catches you off-guard, unprepared comebacks will often backfire.

Take Seinfeld's neurotic, slow-witted, George Costanza for instance. George's social behavior is a textbook example of what not to do in any given situation. When he is caught stuffing his face with shrimp cocktail at a meeting, his comeback falls short when his colleague remarks, "Hey George, the ocean called - they're running out of shrimp!" Slow-witted George fails to reply with a sharp comeback, but hours later, when it's too late, he comes up with a doozy, "Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"

Desperate to recreate the encounter with the instigator, George becomes obsessed with reconstructing the scenario. He brings a tray of shrimp to the next meeting with the expectation of using his perfect "jerk store" comeback when the offending comment re-emerges. But George's unbeatable comeback collapses as his colleague swiftly counters, "What's the difference? You're [the jerk store's] all-time best seller!" Perpetually plagued with foot-in-mouth syndrome, a defeated George then desperately blurts out that he had sex with the instigator's wife, to which he is momentarily triumphant - until he learns his colleague's wife is in a coma.

So what should you do when you've got nothing? Well, since there is no single comeback that is guaranteed not to backfire, sometimes you've just got to take the high route and turn the tables. This doesn't mean having a prepared list of insults to throw back when you're desperate, but instead, catch the instigator off-guard with a reply that they'd never expect.

When you're stuck for a comeback, or an answer to a rude or embarrassing question, the best thing to do is to simply reply with another question. Bouncing a question back at the instigator forces them to reply on your terms. By shifting the dynamic with a question, you put yourself in control of the conversation.

If someone regularly catches you off-guard with offensive statements or questions to which you have no reply, simply ask the instigator what would provoke them to say what they said, or ask why they are asking the question in the first place.

If you're given a reply, follow up with more questions. Make the instigator work for a reward. The result, is when they are forced to explain themselves the insult loses its shock value, requires too much effort to continue, and causes the attention seeker to reconsider the next time they're tempted to throw an insult in your direction.

When placed in an uncomfortable position, never allow the instigator to be in command of the conversation. When you're stuck for words, immediately turn the tables by posing a question, and watch your challenger awkwardly fumble for a reply. While you have your opponent stumbling, you've given yourself extra time to think of the perfect comeback.