Comedy Quotes: Steven Wright is a Very Funny Man

Steven Wright, the droll, low-key American comic who claims George Carlin and Woody Allen as influential in his work, is credited with an awful lot of comedy quotes that he says he never actually said. Some he wishes he'd thought of; others he would just as soon not be associated with. The following comedy quotes are widely attributed to Steven Wright. Whether or not he actually said them, I suppose only he knows for sure. But these are all funny enough that hopefully Steven Wright would be proud to own up to them.

"I"d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back."

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

"Half the people you know are below average."

"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane."

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

"I intend to live forever.... so far, so good."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?"

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking."

"Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up."

"Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film."

"If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?"

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research."

Steven Wright is a very funny man. Whether he said all of these things or not, anyone who has seen him on The Tonight Show, or in the television show "Mad About You" recognizes the genius of his irony. If Steven Wright did not actually say these, I have another quote for him. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

Sources:

Brainy Quote, Steven Wright

Wikipedia, Steven Wright

The Quotations Page, Quotations by Author, Steven Wright