Comforting the Grieving: What to Say and What Not to Say

What do you say to a friend who has suffered a deep- and awful-personal loss in the death of a loved one? I expect that in the history of humankind, rarely has a person gone to the home of a person in mourning without asking themselves this exact question. People sometimes decide before they get there and at other times, trust their judgment and intuition to guide them when they arrive. There are many traditions and rituals connected with specific beliefs and religions that prescribe specific activities, prayers and actions. But, even so, there remains the inevitable uncertainty about what to say in a personal way.

In these particularly sensitive and difficult moments, there is probably not one course of behavior that is correct for every person in each and every situation. There are, however, some guidelines that more often than not are useful in thinking about how to behave and what to say when visiting (or running into) someone you know who has recently experienced the death of someone important to them.

Let's begin with a brief list of things that are generally to be avoided, although some of them are understandably quite tempting. Resist any temptation you may feel to the following: 1) Saying things intended to try to cheer the person in mourning up. Though well intentioned, this conveys some disrespect for the depth of their loss and sorrow and also implies that you are uncomfortable with their sad feelings; 2) Sharing your own experiences with death with them. You are there to comfort THEM. Shifting the attention to yourself and your own losses is missing the point of the visit and will compromise your attempt to provide comfort; and, perhaps most importantly 3) Talking a lot. A person suffering the pain of loss is not to be expected to be a 'good listener' - Rather, that is YOUR job.

On the other side of the coin, there are certain ways of speaking, listening and behaving that are more apt to be experienced as honest expressions of support and of shared sorrow. These would include: 1) Participating as fully as you can in any prescribed ritual activities being observed in the home of the person or family in mourning. Whether or not they are consistent with your own beliefs is simply irrelevant. You are there to provide caring support. Honor their traditions and practices by participating as fully as you can; 2) Listening a lot and speaking only a little. The essence of support for most people is rooted in the experience of feeling heard by others. Simple reflective, 'active' listening that uses words primarily to acknowledge that you are listening to what the other person is telling you is generally appropriate and more than adequate; and finally 3) Allowing your own emotions to show. If your friend is in tears and you find yourself moved to cry as well, please allow yourself to do so. Sometimes a shared cry and a warm hug or gentle touch conveys more human and heart-felt support that an encyclopedia of words.

Life is never simple, nor is death. There are always exceptions to any set of guidelines, but I think that you stand a better chance of conveying your genuine support and sense of shared sorrow if you are able to follow this brief handful of suggestions. As a final thought, a quote I believe is attributed to Mark Twain: "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."