Common Causes of Parental Inconsistency

We all know that consistency in parenting is important. It's in every parenting book and article out there. No one wakes up in the morning and says, "Today I am going to say one thing and then do something else." We want to mean what we say and say what we mean. But sometimes we don't. Here are some reasons why you may be less consistent than you would like and what you can do about it.

1) We are not living "in the moment." We are stretched too thin and are trying to accomplish too many things at once. So when our child approaches us asking, "Can I jump off of my dresser onto my bed?" our minds are somewhere else and we grunt a sound of approval or nod our head without even thinking about what we just agreed to. Because of this, we end up picking up the pieces (literally and figuratively) of a mess that we helped create. What can we do about this? First of all, don't make getting back to what you are doing your primary goal when you are interrupted. This mindset will cause you to make rash decisions that you will most likely regret later. Stop what you are doing, make eye contact and really hear what your child is asking. But don't feel that you need to have an answer for them right away. You can say, "I don't have an answer for you right now. If I answer you now, the answer will be 'no.' If you give me some time to think about it, the answer may be 'yes'." But if you simply can't tear yourself away from what you are doing, hold up a finger and tell them to wait. Get comfortable finishing your tasks with someone hovering near by. It will be a great opportunity to teach your children the art of patience (in our house, patience is defined as "waiting with a smile"). Once you are at a stopping point, give them your full attention.

2) We discipline impulsively. In response to a serious offense we shout, "No T.V. for a year!" We clearly have no intention of following through on this and set our consequences to be dismissed or disregarded. What is the solution? Practice silence as your first response to an offense. Time outs are great for this purpose. No matter what the age of your child, tell them to go sit on the stairs and wait for you to come. This does two things: it breaks into your child's misbehavior and also gives you time to think of a consequence that you really believe in and have every intention of following through on.

3) We plain old forget. Maybe you told your child that he would have no computer time tomorrow because he was disobedient. But when tomorrow comes, you forget that you said this. Often this is because the behavior that caused the consequence in the first place has passed and it isn't weighing that heavily on your mind so when he approaches you and asks, "Can I use the computer?" you say, "Yes." Be careful here. While you may have forgotten, he has not. By letting these things happen, you strip yourself of the authority that is rightfully yours and teach your children that you only mean what you say some of the time. To combat this, keep a piece of paper prominently displayed in your home (taped to a wall even). Write down the consequences that you hand out. Reference it daily. That way, everyone knows what is expected. Even you.

Challenge yourself to evaluate the degree of consistency you have as a parent. While your inconsistencies may not be intentional, the remedy can be. Employ some of these techniques so that your children will not only hear but heed what you say.