Common Mistakes that Film Critics Make

I have written hundreds of movie reviews. I mainly specialize in horror, but I've also covered other genres. I do not claim to be a professional film critic or even an expert on the trade. Of course, "professional" is a risky word anyway. What is a real film critic? Do you have to be published to call yourself a film critic? Is it merely a matter of having the ability to write movie reviews, regardless of the quality? I don't know. I do know what irks me, though. There are certain things that certain film critics do that just shouldn't be done.

Frightfully, there are no set rules when it comes to reviewing movies. No unwritten laws, no implicit policies, no understood ambits, no nothing. Some film critics figure that if there are no rules, then you can't write a bad review. Oh, this couldn't be further from the truth. Here are a few common mistakes that I see film critics make. No one is safe, not even the most "reputable" film critics.

The Swollen Synopsis

A small percentage of moviegoers want to know exactly what is going to happen in a film before watching it. Most people want to be surprised and taken aback by plot twists. It's not bad enough that nearly every movie trailer recounts a film's whole script. No, we need film critics to delineate a synopsis with the conscionable detail of a technical writer. I've read far too many reviews that devote as many as three paragraphs to a plot summary. A brief rundown of the narrative is fine, but people are reading the review to decide whether or not the film is worth watching. You can get a synopsis anywhere.

I've spotted reviews that are nothing but plot summaries. The quality (or lack thereof) of the film isn't even mentioned! Terseness is the key when it comes to writing anything. Storylines should always be encapsulated in 1-3 sentences.

The Absentee Synopsis

Just as a synopsis can be long-winded, it can also be inexplicably non-existent. If you're reviewing "King Kong," a plot breakdown isn't so imperative. However, if you're covering a more obscure film, it's important to live on the edge and spritz out a 3-sentence synopsis. I've read many a review where I had no clue what the movie was about. The titles usually don't help. If you're reviewing "Alice and the Freckles Before the Limestone," then for God's sake, tell us what it's about. And yes, I made that title up.

The Ill-Conceived Expectation

I hate it when a critic dismisses a horror film for being too gory or disgusting. It's a horror film! Horror, by definition, is shocking and terrifying, is it not? Shouldn't visual depictions of horror be shocking and terrifying? Scores of film critics need to learn how to accept movies for what they are. How can anyone say that "American Pie" is too lewd or that "Chicago" is too garish? You can't review every film as if it's supposed to be high art. A filmmaker's intentions should factor into the critic's assessment of a film. Roger Ebert bashed the remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" for being too violent, yet he went on to sing the praises of "The Devil's Rejects." Explain that one.

The Groundless Argument

At times, film critics will make vague assertions. It happens to the best of us. To be more specific (and less vague...ha!), it's important to back your arguments up with reasons. "The cinematography was lacking" doesn't tell me anything about the cinematography. What did it lack? Was it too dark? Too granular? Too cinematic? The worst offenders are movie buffs who post 3-line "reviews" on blogs and online forums. These compressed capsules usually contain sentences like "The acting left much to be desired" and "I didn't care for the ending." Naturally, these statements are rarely followed by evidence of any sort. Such non-reviews should be expatriated from the universe.

The Cheap Quote

Film critic quotes that pop up in trailers and TV spots are inherently preposterous. Every comedy that will be released from now until December will be "the funniest movie of the year!" I can't image that anyone is actually swayed by these unavailing blurbs. Half of them aren't even real. Movie studios have been known to create phony film critic pseudonyms to champion whatever sewage the studio is pushing. What really electrocutes my ring pop is when critics force obvious quotes into their reviews. I'm sorry, but you can't go from dissecting a film's underlying themes to barking out flimflam such as, "This is the thrillride of the summer!"