Common Sense Etiquette in Everyday Conversation

Two women are engaging in casual conversation, one says to the other, "We finally had to break down and buy new furniture. We really needed it." The other, fiscally conscientious, replies, "Well, that's not actually a need, it's a want."
The first woman is surprised and slightly offended by this comment. She did not have a couch, and had only two unbroken dining chairs for a family of five. But even if that wasn't the case, even if she just wanted new furniture because her perfectly good couch was out of style, what difference did it make to the woman who felt the need to confront it? This scenario, though an example of only a minor infraction, is one of many where people choose to say things that would be better left unsaid. Is it poor judgement, lack of thought or just plain arrogance that causes them to make off-putting comments? Perhaps it's a bit of all three, and the questions they are not asking themselves before speaking are How is this comment going to be received by this person? and Is it worth it to say something that won't be received well?

Of course there are times when we have to say something to a friend or loved one that we know they aren't going to want to hear. Those are the times that it is worth it to do so, when the issue of their well-being or safety is in question. But a lot of the time, when we want to say something difficult to someone, it is ultimately to satisfy our own need to force our opinions on another.

The arrogance comes in when we believe that we have the right way all figured out, and that once we point out the error of someone's ways, they will be grateful to us, then change their behavior. Then there's a surprise: not only are they not taking our unsolicited advice, but now they are mad. How could this be? This example of cluelessness points to the lack of perception in the socially inept.

Often times, people will focus excessively on what they perceive as the shortcomings of others when they are tormented by an extreme dissatisfaction with themselves. They will be inappropriately bothered by small things that others do differently than they do. And they will regularly insert their own definition of what right is into everyone else's lives. This makes for unpleasant encounters, and eventually others will start to avoid such people.

One common area where etiquette violations occur is among fellow parents. Almost all parents do so in a different way, and while some will admit that they're still learning and often seek advice, many parents believe they are experts, and must enlighten the less fortunate. This usually happens mother-to-mother, and is very sensitive ground to tread on.

We've all seen terribly bratty children who are likely not receiving the discipline they desperately need, which in turn, makes other people hate being around them. This is unfortunate on many levels, and it's hard to bite your tongue and not point out to the parent what they are doing wrong, or even what they could be doing differently. Unless specifically asked for, unwanted tips like these will almost always offend and spark defensiveness--it doesn't matter if you're right and they're wrong. And doing this to someone with whom you are in a valued relationship will surely drive a wedge into it.

A lack of tact is a problem many people have that causes them to offend and annoy others in conversation. It is unnecessary and tacky to do what we can simply refer to as "pooping on someone's preference." A person says something along the lines of, "I use _____ bank and have been happy with them." And the tactless person says, "Oh, they suck. I know someone who used them and said they were so incompetent that he just closed his account and went to another bank." Or a person says that Chris Daughtry is their favorite singing artist, and the tactless person says, "He's an idiot and he's overrated!" Now, while the tactless one did not insult the other person personally, they were rude to crap all over something that person prefers, and there is just no reason to do this.

Finally, there is the situation where heated topics come up among individuals on opposing sides. These can actually be discussed without the "heat" ever being involved. But what has to be avoided is making disagreement about a topic personal. This is the most common mistake people make, and it displays marked immaturity, a lack of intelligence and bad character.

And most of the time, it is not even necessary to dispute someone's opinion if they've chosen to put it out there. Many people feel they have to take the bait and argue, but it really isn't necessary. The scenario is this: A group of people are standing around during a break from work talking. During a conversation about a bad doctor appointment, someone says that "what we need to get is universal healthcare." Another person fires back with how stupid that idea is and what a disaster it would be, putting the other person on the defensive. A heated discussion ensues, followed by an uncomfortable moment where everyone feels the tension. Or maybe someone states that they like George W. Bush, only to be met with, "You're what's wrong with America!"
All of it is unnecessary.

It is a matter of simple courtesy to choose what you say to people carefully. When someone has an interaction with you, your goal should be to make them glad they did afterward. Aim to make them feel better when they feel bad, to make them feel comfortable if they are uncomfortable or to make them not feel judged for something of which they are ashamed. We should strive to make people feel better for having been in our company. Save unwanted comments for when it's absolutely necessary, and handle your relationships with care. Think before you speak, and set aside your own agenda in the interest of not alienating people. These simple practices are a few ways to exercise common sense social etiquette.