Communicating with Narcissists in the Workplace

Everyone's dealt with them, no one wants to. But narcissists are everywhere, and chances are, you're working with at least one. Communicating with a narcissist is never easy, and the need for politeness in the workplace makes it that much more difficult. So how can you get through?

When You Need Them:

There are two things that a narcissist loves- themselves, and the adoration of others. As irritating as it can be, the easiest way to get what you want is to pander to their delusion. If you can convince Mr. or Mrs. Self-Love that what you want is in their best interest, getting their participation will be a snap.

The hard part will be figuring out what, exactly, it is that they want. Flattery will get you everywhere with a narcissist ("You're much smarter than I am" or "You're so good at this, it just won't work without you") as will dropping hints about promotions and bonuses. Your narcissist already knows that he's better than you, he just wants the status to prove it.

When They Need You:

While they'll never admit it, there will be times that the workplace narcissist will need you. This is not the time to attempt flattery as that will only encourage them. A narcissist will automatically assume that you're agreeing with them since they can't possibly be wrong. Unfortunately, disagreeing often doesn't make an impression either.

Bluntness is your weapon here, and documentation is your shield. Try to get their permission to record your meetings ("I don't want to miss any of your brilliant insights" isn't just flattery here), and communicate in writing as much as possible. They can argue all they want, but your boss can't refute the proof.

When They're Your Boss:

There's not much that you can do to get through to a narcissistic boss since they will accept nothing less than subservience. That's not how they will see it, but the result is very much "my way, or the highway". They may respond a bit to flattery, but this will ruin your reputation among co-workers and isn't guaranteed.

In this case it's best to maintain your sanity as best you can, and protect yourself. Again, communication in writing or via email (save all correspondence), recorded meetings, or reliable witnesses can help protect you when he insists that you agreed upon a specific course of action which you then didn't perform. Or worse, when he disciplines you for lack of action.

Yes, narcissists are people too, but protecting yourself is job number one. And really, when you help them to help others, you're letting them become as important as they think they are. Work gets done, and workplace moral improves. In the end, by helping them help others, you may have shown them how teamwork is a good thing and it doesn't all have to rest on their shoulders.

Just don't go getting a big head about it.