Communication: How to Associate with Your Teen

If communication, a word that makes us cringe, is the backbone of any relationship, then many of us are spineless. When your kids hit those teenage years, you need to have developed a few of those communicative vertebrae. While talking is easy, it's the listening that proves difficult. Here's some recommendations from a parent of three...

1. Listen. Heard that one before have you? Well do it! And that means listening to what they want to say, what they like, not what you want to hear. So maybe you don't particularly like their music. But listen to a track or two with them from their favorite CD. You can learn a lot. My son, 13, often calls me to his room to listen to a song or two. While his taste and mine are far different, Avenged Sevenfold versus Toby Keith, the few minutes I sacrifice have paid dividends. Often, while the music is on, or while he's finding the track, he'll talk. And I get to practice listening, really listening. And I get to know my son.

2. Put aside 15 minutes a day at a minimum for each child. Got a lot of kids? Take turns. But during that time, do what they want to do. The first few times they'll be confused and lost. Warn them ahead of time so they can decide. Say, "Hey I've got some time tonight, what do you want to do?" Don't give them a time limit when you say it or they'll feel like an appointment. Even if they say "Nothing," persist. Offer suggestions. Do they like video games? Offer to play one with them. Every weekend we have a three-way Halo game, although, truth be told, I can't stand the game and still haven't figured it out. But that doesn't matter. It's the time you spend not how well you do at what they choose. Besides, you might actually have a lot of fun together.

3. Extend the trust. Now don't necessarily toss them the car keys, but do trust them on the little things. This can be hard to do. But if you don't make an effort to trust them, they'll resent the constant prying, or worse yet, spying. If you have concerns, voice them. (Yup, communicate!)

4. Learn to express concern, not accuse. Make it about you. "Son, I'm worried that you don't......." Make it about you. Not "You don't...." Again, make it about you. That way it doesn't come accross as soemthing they're doing wrong.

5. But on the other hand, do let them know if their actions are approved of. Again, don't accuse. "I really wish you would pick up after yourself. How can I help you to remember?" goes a lot further than, 'Hey slob!" After a few times, you'll see small improvements. Keep at it. This takes time. Afterall, it took time for them to become slobs.... how many years?

6. Offer. What? Offer to take them to the mall. Offer to drop them off at a friend's house. You don't have to wait for them to ask. Show them you remember being a teen and how important some time away from the family can be. Offer.

Even if you only do one or two of these suggestions, do them whole-heartedly. Give one or two a full effort and it will pay off. It will take a few times, more than once, but then, how many years has it been that communication has been an issue?

Teens can be difficult and worse, but they can also be a lot of fun and great conversationalists. You just have to know how to open the door. I've given you 6 keys to use. Try them.