Communication, Dating and Relationships: Dangers of Playing the 'Devil's Advocate'

There are some communications pitfalls into which it is easy to tumble into, in dating and relationships. One of the red flag danger zones in communication is that of playing the 'devil's advocate' when your partner is sharing. Playing the 'devil's advocate' is a euphemism for arguing from a third non-present person's point of view. Playing 'devil's advocate' also includes arguing the opposite point of view from that which your partner is expressing, for no good reason. Playing the 'devil's advocate' does not refer to situations in which two partners differ on a topic. The 'devil's advocate' argues from the opposite perspective in situations in which he personally has no particular interest or viewpoint.

Here are some examples of 'devil's advocate' communication. Your partner comes home from work saying that his boss is being a jerk. Instead of letting him vent and giving him a back rub, the 'devil's advocate' tries to explain or defend the boss's behavior. 'Well, I'm sure he was just having a bad day. I'm sure he's a really nice guy deep down.' At that point, your partner would probably like to take razor blades to his boss's face and you make matters infinitely worse by down playing or defending the boss. Chances are this person is completely unknown to you. Yet your partner you know, and presumably love, very well. Why not take your partner's side?

When I am in a confrontation with someone, the last thing that I want to hear is someone I love, who is supposedly in my court, defending the person that I'm angry with. It feels like betrayal. I feel stupid and inept. Even if the situation isn't interpersonal, if your partner is frustrated about an issue that does not affect you personally, a policy change at work, an issue with another parent in a play group, whatever the situation, why argue the opposite point of view? There's a very good chance that you have no idea what you are talking about. People need to be able to vent frustrations in the privacy of their own homes. When in doubt, take your partner's side. It won't hurt and it almost certainly will help.

It is freakishly irritating and demeaning to jump into a situation that you have no part, or a minimal part of, and begin speaking for the other point of view. it gives the message that your partner is unable to sort things out for herself and that only your omniscient wisdom can fix it. Playing 'devil's advocate' tells your partner that you do not trust him to vent his feelings and then figure out a rational way to cope. You imply that because he is saying things in anger, that he is going to behave in anger in like manner. That assumption is crippling to a person's self-esteem. It can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy also. If you want to end up in a flaming row with your significant other, playing the 'devil's advocate' is one sure way to begin.

For more on communication, dating and relationships, visit me at www.onintimacy.blogspot.com and www.healthhelp4u.blogspot.com.