Communication and Problem-Solving in Relationships: Emotional Readiness

One of the most challenging relationship issues is problem-solving. Whether it's problem-solving between parents, spouses or partners in a relationship, it's tricky. Here are healthy ways to problem-solve, using Al-Anon principles. Step one: emotional readiness. I also call it "setting the stage."

* Don't just do something, sit there. The reason most problem-solving sessions dissolve into quarrels is because we rush into them unprepared. It's kind of like the old carpentry axiom, "measure twice, cut once; measure once, cut twice." Take your emotional bearings. Look before you leap; think before you speak. Take a deep breath. Now another. Say your mantras. Get yourself centered, focused and balanced.

* Examine your goals. Sometimes, we go into problem-solving with an agenda. We go in ready, not to find solutions, but to fault find. We approach the mediation table armed for battle. We go in prepared to demand concessions but not give them. Make sure you're focused is on resolution, not antagonism.

* HALTS. Don't problem-solve if you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick. If you or your partner are any one of those things, it's nigh on impossible to make headway problem solving. You won't be operating at full power and every set back will seem worse. It's counter-productive. Any of the HALTS issues can very easily sabotage what chance you to effect a peaceable solution. It's not fair to either of you.

* Don't add caffeine or alcohol to the mix. Drinking coffee (unless you are also eating) will make you jittery and unable to concentrate. Problem-solving can be tense. Don't add anything that will make you more nervous. Also, don't try to problem-solve if one or both parties have been drinking. Alcohol muddles the brain. It's fine for play time when you don't have to concentrate, but not work. Problem-solving is definitely work.

* Find a safe, peaceful, private location. It doesn't have to be fancy, but it should be distraction-free, at least temporarily. It's okay for parents to tell children that mom and dad need to be left alone for a few minutes. If you need to, hire a babysitter. Let the answering machine tend to calls. Take your problem-solving sessions seriously and make everyone else do so too. Remember, a happy couple can better tend to the needs of their family.