Communication's Swiss Army Knife

According to history, the first email ever transmitted was sent from Thomas Edison, and contained the simple phrase, "Watson, RU their. LOL"

It bounced.

Since that fateful day, email and its caffeine-crazed cousin, instant messaging, have burrowed their way into the fabric of American communication. In fact, for many people, email has taken precedence over other, more common aspects of daily life, like personal hygiene, or being literate. Checking email is often the first thing, and the final thing, people do each day. Some people will check their email before they even get dressed for the day, and if that image doesn't spoil your breakfast, then you're probably reading this naked.

Similarly sobering is the self-important value that some people assign to their emails. You may know some of these people: they'll send you an email and then call to tell you, "I just sent you an email." Sad, isn't it?

And then there are those ego-the-size-of-the-Hindenburg people you run into in public places (because you weren't quick enough to hide) who ask, "Did you get my email?" They seem to think you never get emails from other humans, certainly not any emails worth reading. In their minds, you just sit in front of your computer, day after day, possibly wearing clothing, eagerly, hungrily waiting for them to forward you another joke.

But in fact, we all get emails, all the time, from all kinds of people and places and companies, including many that actually exist. So by now, we all know the common, humdrum functions of email. Let's review a few:

• I'd Like To Teach The World To Laugh: This is the primary function of email - to forward jokes from one place to another. Prior to the invention of email, I'm not really sure how jokes ever made their way around the planet. Back in "the day," I don't remember people forwarding me the same joke 300 times using the fax machine. Maybe universal joke dispersal was why Eisenhower commissioned the interstate highway system.

• The Olan Mills Syndrome: Use email to share your exceptional photographic talents. Trust me - nothing excites your friends and co-workers more than getting that email with the "Here are some photos I wanted to share with you" subject line.

• The Artistic Gang-Hug: Coming in a close second to the Olan Mills samples are emails that announce "You have got to see this!" or "This is the most beautiful thing ever!" No, I don't, and no, it isn't.

• Guarding The Global Intellect: Everybody loves it when they get an email, challenging them to "take this IQ test!" Be sure to include your own score on the test, and be sure to insist they copy their score to several dozen friends, so that "something magical will happen on your screen!" I don't know about your screen, but if you keep this up, something magical will definitely happen to your several dozen friendships.

• Workplace Ergonomics 101: When people forward you an email that begins with 217 vertical miles of "forwarded" email headers and other useless garbage before you get to the actual message, don't think of it as a interruption; think of all that scrolling as a handy wrist exercise for your "mouse" hand. But to keep things honest, I should mention that scientists have recently proved that the actual value of an email's message is inversely proportional to its length.

Yeah, I know. Right now, you're probably saying, "What's your point? I know all this. Why am I sitting here freezing to death reading what I already know? I'm gonna go get dressed."

Ah, but email has many more uses: more entertaining, esoteric and sinister uses, like buying a bride from Russia or a prescription drug from Canada. You just have to learn to think outside the inbox. You just have to be creative, like you were with your taxes or when filling out the Census form. Here are some handy ideas about how to get more out of your email experience:

• Captain Sparky & The Dawn Patrol: Did you ever consider that you can use email to find out if somebody is awake? Think about it. Like me, you probably have at least one friend who, at some point every morning, starts sending you emails. Every morning, every day, like Sisyphus. Obviously, your friend is up, out of bed, and busily forwarding yesterday's jokes. Of course, they may or may not be clothed. Some things are best not etc., etc.

• Virtual Immortality: When you get a useless spam message from someone you don't know, be sure to take advantage of that handy "remove me" link. Once you click that link, the slimeball sender will know for certain that your email address is, actually, your real, valid email address. From that point on, you'll get billions of emails from them (and from billions of other slimeball companies, because Slimeball Company #1 will sell them your email address). This will continue for the rest of your natural life, and for several years after. (Think I'm kidding? Slimeball emails will follow you into the afterlife. Recall, if you will, a passage from the New Testament: "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.")

• The First 300 Cuts Are The Deepest: One of the best ways to permanently damage a personal or professional relationship is to pack your email message with subtle sarcasm and biting jest-filled jabs. Smiley Faces aside, it's practically impossible to successfully communicate sarcasm in an email message. So do it every chance you get, and in no time at all, you'll be released from the restraints of gainful employment and interpersonal companionship - you'll be just free to sit at home every day, checking your email and freezing to death!

• Corporate Espionage: Picture it. Management has scheduled a 10:30 meeting, to discuss cutting costs by getting rid of everybody's chairs. Using your personal Crack-Pod-Device-Berry-Phone-i-Thingy, record the entire meeting and then broadcast it via email to all non-management personnel. For extra credit, use Blu-Tooth technology to make it look like the email was sent from somebody else. For personal security, choose somebody smaller than you.

• Demand & Supply: Remember those emails with 217 miles of "forwarded" headers? Don't delete them just yet; instead, harvest those thousands of email addresses and sell them to a slimeball company! Or use them to create your own contact database and form your own grass-roots political party! With a core constituency of email addicts, you're sure to have no shortage of misspelled signs for your rallies!

• Culling The Herd: Rather than waiting around to get a virus from software, it's much more efficient to just start clicking attachments in emails sent from people you don't know. Give special attention to emails that contain phrases like "Are these pictures of you from that party?" or "I are having so hot for you."

There's another email feature I could include in this handy list, but it really deserves its own discussion, because it's in a class of its own. Let's talk about this one later, but for now, I give you three words: Blind Carbon Copy.

Trust me. It's absolutely delicious, what this thing can do. This is the monster under the bed. This is the room under the stairs. This is Rasputin.

Email me. We'll talk.