Comparing Myself to Others

I have a bad habit of comparing myself negatively to other people. I know I shouldn't and yet I find myself over and over again negatively comparing myself to others -- and suffering because of it.

Please advise. I hate being in a ...

Comparison Rut

Dear Comparison Rut-

Comparing yourself negatively to others certainly does reinforce a negative self-image and low self-esteem. Knowing that you 'shouldn't' and acting to stop comparing yourself are two separate things. The first is passive; the second is active.

Let's take a look at how you can act to stop negative comparison. First, let us understand that stopping a behavior -- whether it is smoking, being messy, or negatively comparing yourself to others -- is hard work. It takes conscious and persistent effort. Second, understand it is not enough to simply stop something. In fact, stopping tells only part of the story. When you stop something, you are alsostarting something new. It is that new beginning that gives energy and purpose to change.

Orient yourself toward your desired goal. How do you want to see yourself? What do you want to tell yourself or believe when you are tempted to belittle yourself? Identify your goal in concrete measurable terms. Again, the emphasis is on what you want to be doing. For example: I want to think well of other people and still think well of myself. Another example: Whenever I admire another person's skill or trait and feel tempted to belittle myself, I will remind myself of something that I'm good at or give myself a compliment.

It is important to make an honest assessment of your positive skills, traits, accomplishments, and experiences. Identify a handful of skills you do well. Identify a handful of tasks/goals you've accomplished. Identify personality traits that you are glad to have. Give yourself some credit and keep this information available to your psyche.

Understand that we are bombarded with information all day long. We can't take it all in, so we subconsciously scan and select information we want to penetrate. We are looking for information -- the information we allow in -- to reinforce our beliefs, including our self-image, even if it is negative one. We won't get any or much information that runs counter to our beliefs. We are not scanning for it, so we will not find it.

In order to stop comparing yourself negatively, it is quite essential to redefine your self-image. Define yourself image according to your rational thoughts about yourself. Define yourself according to the positive skills, traits, accomplishments, and experiences you said you had. Define yourself according the direction you are heading in. When the negative thoughts begin to intrude, it is up to you to defend yourself. Do it. Stand your ground. Tell yourself the good things about yourself. Make defending yourself non-negotiable and absolute. Keep it up and get support. You are worth it.

Best Regards,

Lauren