Complimenting Kids: Making it Matter

There are so many times parents are confronted with the plea for praise. Whether it is a 5 year old drawing, or a 14 year old performance on the baseball field. In ways, I still seek the praise of my mother...and I AM a mother! So, let's get real. When should we praise...and how? How can we compliment our children with sincerity and conviction and teach them how to flatter others in a way that is real? Let's look at some basics and go from there.

Get Specific
Resist the urge to say to a child, "That is so good." A kid knows when you are patronizing and everything being "good" is almost as good as a good insult. Take a quick moment to find something specific about the work, or their performance that you appreciate and dwell on that. After all, their total performance may not be good at all - and you don't want to lie. So, get specific.

If it is a baseball game the team lost say, "You fielded that ball in the 7th inning perfectly!" This sentence allows you to affirm their individual contribution without lying about the overall loss. In addition, it illustrates that you were paying attention.

If it is an art project that did not come together as a whole, say, "I love how you paid attention to the detail in the eye of the scarecrow." This allows the child to feel joy over a piece, without disparaging the whole. After all, sometimes it is their attention to detail that reveals their skill the most...not always the end product.

In addition, this ensures that you are not lying to your child, or flattering them with broad strokes. Instead, you are focusing on a specific aspect they did well...and in the process teaching them to focus on details in their own truthful compliments by example. It is breeding optimism by focusing on the good in things - a lesson that endures a lifetime (even amidst overall failure.)

It's the Thought that Counts
Often times, kids are so proud of something that is a disaster. Seize this opportunity to praise their effort or idea. This is a version of specific, but more...a point of praise for the effort or intention.

I will not lie to my kid and tell them something is good when it isn't. I believe this fosters a false hope and affirms things that are erroneous. But, I can affirm their intention and keep their self esteem in tact.

This can be done by saying things like, "You tried so hard...and I can totally tell! You worked forever on this and it shows!"

That sentence never says it is "good." It simply acknowledges effort which is sometimes all your child needs to maintain self esteem.

Correct Only When Necessary or Only When Welcome
I have twins that are 7. They are so different, like so many twins. Drawing is one way they are entirely different. One will draw a picture and just wants me to say it is good. She is not particularly open to pointers nor does she care to make it better. The other twin, however, cares tremendously. If I see a way to make it better...she wants to know.

It is important to queue on the emotional needs of your child. Always sandwich effort with praise and critique or correct only when you sense it is welcome.

Be honest. Ask you child point blank, "Do you want to know a suggestion I can offer to make it better? Or are you happy with it just the way it is?" Kids respond to honesty. They will tell you what they need. If the child is hurt by that statement, affirm what they did and drop it. If they act open to instruction, use this opportunity to teach without touching their work. Be sure to praise their effort no matter what.

If you heed these tips, you will find honesty in your interaction and your child will learn they can trust you to be real. Hallow flattery will be unknown in example and practice. It is then that you will grow with your child without being condescending and keep their esteem on the forefront.