Confession of a Female Comedian

The problem with doing comedy and having boobs is the same as doing anything and having boobs. Most comedians you will be performing with are male. Being male, many of them see one thing in a female comedian: boobs.

That's right. Of the many shows I've done, many male comedians look at me and seem to think I'm one of the amenities the club offers to its comedians. That's right. The performer guidelines for the club must say "Performers get free drinks, a small stipend, and one well endowed female comedian."

Male comedians, like men in general, often have one thought that overrides all others: to procreate. Procreation obviously involves the "getting into of pants". Many of the males I come across seem to think that my pants are the pants that must be gotten into.

"She's a comedian!" they seem to think. "She likes to laugh. I know how to get in her pants!"

They then proceed to follow me around sharing their worst material with me for the rest of the night. I become a guinea pig for the jokes they haven't used on stage yet. Other times, I'm an ear for stories about past shows. Quite often I'm obviously someone with far less talent than they as they ask if I'm nervous and give me tips. Once they see me perform, they sit quietly and say "good job" before clamming up for the rest of the night.

My theory is that many male comedians use self deprecating humor and are not the luckiest with women. Let's face it. A lot of them don't have the best self esteem. They don't have women falling all over them and throwing bras and panties at the stage like rock stars. At seeing a female comedian, they seem to think they've found a woman they can talk to.

Let's face it. There's a subconscious thing going on here to thwart male comedian plans to woo female comedians or other women. When a scruffy guy on stage makes you laugh, he's funny. During sex, we don't want funny. We want sexy. We don't want to laugh at our partners. We want to scream. From what I understand, I highly doubt men want us to laugh at them during sex either.

Yet, as female comedians, our mind files away that you're funny. When you do nothing but share jokes with me, my brain files away the notion that funny is all you offer, because that's all you can talk about off the stage.

I have been "blessed" enough to see two comedians compete for my attention with jokes. They'll make fun of each other when the other isn't around. It's enough to make me hide under the bar until my name is called to take the stage. Another huge frustration is that this defective male thought process flows out into the non comedy world as well. Men everywhere feel the need to tell me the worst, most perverted, disgusting attempts at humor. Doctors, servers, bank tellers, you name it. My favorite line from all of them: "You can use this if you want".

Point proven: I just took a break from writing and went down to check on my son at the pool. My son, bless his little promoting heart, told a man in the pool that I'm a stand up comedian. The male proceeded to tell me about some shirt with body parts and adult language. No joke.

Here's the biggest clue for male comedians or others who have switched into procreate mode: I'm a female comedian! I get on stage and talk about myself! OBVIOUSLY, like any female, I like to talk about myself. Got that? ME. Therefore, logic deduces that your best chance to get my attention would be to ask me questions about myself. Compliment me (and I don't mean the usual "You're hot or you're beautiful we hear online).Don't assume I'm interested in your toss away jokes or that I need your help in being a comedian.

After asking me a question or complimenting me, you can share things about yourself that correspond. This is called conversation. And here's your bonus tip. I'm not dogging males. I'm giving you tips to improve your chances of getting into my pants. God knows I need to get laid. Because I'm so nice, I'll improve your chance on getting into any girl's pants. This is not just a magic ticket into the pants of female comedians. This method works with most females.

Side tip for females: Getting men to talk about themselves is a great conversation starter for you, as well. It goes both ways. When you're unsure how to approach someone and get their attention, ask them about themselves.