Confessions of an Attachment Parent

There are a lot of choices you will have to make as a new parent. The most important is how to raise your child, your general philosophy. Attachment parenting seemed right for me, as it went along with what came natural to me. At first I only followed a few tenants of this approach, but as time went by, I picked up more and more AP habits. I have made mistakes and done things that'd make attachment or mainstream parents gasp, though I doubt they'd be shocked by the same things. Now I'm totally at home in the attachment parenting and natural family living community, and I feel totally alien anywhere else. The road was long, and the journey was not without bumps.

First off, during my pregnancy, I did a lot of reading--but no on truly important things. I read the mainstream books and didn't look into alternative choices. I believed all the experts said and advised. I was a generally cooperative patient and consented to every test and procedure. I didn't do prenatal yoga or Kegels, though. I also didn't pay much mind to the labor and parenting classes they had me take. I didn't get much out of them. To some I was a slacker. To others, a typical, model pregnant woman. To an even harsher crowd, I was a sheep--an ignorant follower.

I gave birth in a hospital--not uncommon in mainstream parenting communities, so mainstream parents wouldn't be surprised by that. Many attachment parents do birth in hospitals but usually plan on limited interventions, immediate bonding, etc. I did none of these things and didn't even try, which surprises and disappoints other attachment parents. I had Nubain and an epidural, then an amniotomy and pitocin to speed things up. I only later learned that they could have affected my baby--and made my labor much more painful. The one thing I did right was push and breathe my way, the way that felt right to me, ignoring the orders of the doctors and nurses.

I let them wash, weigh, and examine him before giving him to me. Those few minutes felt like forever--and felt wrong. I wish that I had insisted on being first to hold him. I let them give him all of the shots and tests. They put gel in his eyes and hooked him up to monitors. I was uninformed of the risks and lack of necessity. They gave him his first bath, not us, and I regret that. I also didn't put him to my breast until an hour or so after he was born. He roomed in with us, but I let them take him whenever they wished. I was so trusting. Thankfully no harm came from it.

At this time I made one of the worst choices ever. I regret it more than anything I've ever done. I thoroughly wish I had researched more and been more open-minded to anti-circumcision arguments. To my everlasting shame, in my ignorance, I consented to my boy being circumcised. I didn't even insist on anesthesia, because I didn't know it wasn't routine. I remained pro-circumcision for a whole in fact, until I finally realized the truth about all of the myths. I can never give back to my son what was taken from him. Thinking about it fills me with overwhelming guilty. Now I am adamantly anti-circumcision.

I knew I'd breastfeed no matter what. I didn't, however, know that formula was inferior, even dangerous, or could interfere. In the early months I supplemented with formula--but not out of need. I later used it very rarely, only every now and again, before discarding it completely. My son knew best though. He began refusing bottles most of the time around 3 months. That should have been my first clue.

I had to nurse in public quite a bit as a result. At first I tried to be discreet, but I got more comfortable with it and stopped caring so much. My husband was bothered at first and would try to shield me from prying eyes, but he relaxed after a bit, too. My son got to where he wouldn't eat under a blanket. He also decided it was fun to make me flash people. I learned that it's not always possible to be discreet. Now I nurse in public unabashed, and I don't care if people think I'm being discreet enough!

Still, at first, I wanted a way to feed him without having to nurse in public. I also felt he needed to be able to eat something on occasions when I'm not around. (Like when?) He used to get frustrated at night because my milk wasn't coming out fast enough. Instead of being patient, instead of just nursing him, I started him on solids at 3 months. I didn't know their systems weren't fully mature until 6-9 months. Thankfully he hasn't developed any allergies or had any problems. I've been lucky. His anti-bottle strike didn't last long, only a few weeks. I really didn't need to introduce solids that early. Next time I'll know better.

My husband and I didn't go out on a date alone until our son was six months old. Now to some attachment parents, that's too young to leave a child with a sitter. To many mainstream parents, we waited too long. We'd gone out with him to movies or restaurants, but as he aged, that got harder. We saw a movie when he was six months old. We didn't go out again for another six months. Our third date was, again, another six months later.

We now try to go out every other week or some. To some attachment parents that's too often. To some mainstream parents it's not enough. For us it's just right. We feel our son needs to be able to do without us sometimes. A few hours every two weeks or so isn't that bad. It will prepare him to us not being with him 24/7. One day I may have to go to work or be in the hospital. I don't want him to be used to being attached to me constantly, because I want him to be able to handle situations like that.

It was a long time before I had a solo bath, too! I think the first time I actually made my husband watch our son downstairs so I could bathe alone, he was about one! I always bathed with our son our with him playing by the tub. Finally I realized this and couldn't remember the last time I bathed alone. I demanded Corey watch him now and again for a bit so I could bathe alone and relax. I don't do it often, maybe once a week. I still feel guilty, and I actually enjoy bath time with my son. But it is so nice to unwind and have some alone time.

My husband wants me to mention how often I leave our son with a sitter--or with him! Not often! I don't trust many people with him. I always feel guilty for leaving him, afraid he'll miss me. I leave my boys alone together while we're all home, but our son usually wanders into the room I'm in. Corey doesn't really go anywhere but work, so he never goes out with Corbin. (He doesn't know what he's missing!) I occasionally leave them alone to go run an errand. And last week, I even went bowling with a friend--without our son! I'm getting better! It's still embarrassing sometimes just how attached I am. And yet not.

I am more attached to my son than he is to me. Whenever I leave him alone, I worry that he'll be miserable without me. He makes a big fuss when we part--when I drop him off at the gym or with a sitter, when I leave. However, out of sight really is out of mind. Once I'm gone for a few minutes, he's his regular happy, playful self. While I'm out I imagine he's crying uncontrollably and missing me terribly, but he's not. I'm the one longing to be reunited with him, aching to have in my arms. People see how he acts when I leave him and assume he's overly attached. If they saw how he acts once I'm gone, they'd know I'm the attached one.

I love bed-sharing and breastfeeding, but there are times I wish we could call it quits. There are times when he wants to nurse all day (or night). Some nights he wakes up all of the time or wants to lay on me. I have never attempted to wean, but I have tried to cut back on night feedings. I failed. He needed to do that in his own time, eliminating each feeding as he did the need for it.

That brings me to my next confession, another of my biggest regrets. When my son was about ten months old I tried using the Ferber and Cry it Out methods to sleep train him. It was a stressful time. My husband was deployed, and our son insisted on nursing all night. I was so tired and sleep-deprived. At first I checked on him frequently, despite his cries, but then I gave up. I had to sleep, and I couldn't with him attached to me constantly. He cried for hours and eventually wound up in my bed, where he belongs. This dragged on for three nights until my heart couldn't take it anymore, and I knew it wasn't going to work.

Others have insisted I try it again--for at least a week, maybe two. It won't work, and it would be mean to try. Sleeping on his own or through the night are two other things my son needs to learn to do on his own. I don't know why I ever tried to rush him. You can't force a child into something like that. Letting him do things on his own has made him the independent, determined child he is. That's why I'll be doing child-led weaning. My whole parenting philosophy is now child-led. It works.

I have also spanked and yelled at my child before. I don't feel these are effective parenting tools. I'm adamantly against them--yet I've done these things. I'm not perfect. (What a startling confession!) there have been times when I've been overwhelmed and just couldn't think of a better way. I know there's always an alternative, but sometimes he leaves me stumped. Sometimes I just act on impulse. I've also simply lost my cool before; it happens. I strive to be better than that, and I'd never harm my child. I always feel guilty and regret when I hit or yell, if not right away then later on when I reflect back. I can remember almost every time I've ever struck him, and it stings my soul more than it could have possibly hurt him.

I rarely wore our son, even when he was little. I never planned to. From the get-go I used a stroller. I couldn't find a device that was affordable and comfortable. I tried a few times, but I could never wear him for very long. It always left me sore and exhausted. Then again, by the time I started attempting it, he was already quite heavy. I'm working out a little now, and this time I am going to try not to buy a stroller--but a nice wrap instead. I'll try harder this time to give my child the benefits of baby wearing.

My son was fully vaccinated until 12 months old when I finally did a little more research, rather than just trusting the Dr and the FDA. I selectively vaccinated at that visit. I declined the MMR and Varicella, despite pressure from the nurses who informed me that there was a mumps epidemic. One little girl, a year older than my son, had come down with it! I didn't bother to ask if she was vaccinated; I just told her that didn't worry me. In his record, they wrote "Mom was notified of recent epidemic but still declined."

After further research I decided not to vaccinate anymore at all. I also don't go to check-ups. Why take my healthy baby around sick kids just to weigh him and see if the doctor thinks I'm doing a good job? I now only go in if there's a problem. My son is thriving. I know I'm doing fine.

It was at this point that I really started to embrace attachment parenting and the child-led philosophy. I decided to wear my next child and changed my stance on vaccination and circumcision. I began planning a homebirth--and within weeks was seriously considering unassisted childbirth. I changed my approach on discipline, fully embracing gentle discipline. As an attachment parent, I really 'straightened up!' I did everything differently and started planning to do things differently with number two.

A few months later, I began to embrace natural family living, too, wanting to be more health and environmentally conscious. I used disposable diapers with our son until he was about 20 months old. Then I finally switched to cloth diapers. I immediately loved them. At that time I began to watch more closely what went into our bodies. We began eating more fresh food and organic produce--and less conventional, prepackaged food. Of course I'm still guilty of candy-munching and the weekly trip to McDonald's. But no one is perfect.

By no means am I the crunchiest mom out there, and I don't need to be. I'm more AP than some, less than others--fine. I don't need to be perfect or impress anyone. I'm just trying to do right by my child regardless of what others think. I've made mistakes and have regrets. I've come a long way and still have room to grow, just like my son. I've done things that would appall some attachment parents--crunchier than me--and shock some mainstream parents. But I've been trying my best, and that's what matters. That's all anyone can ask of a parent.