Confessions of a Bad Mother

I am a terrible mother. My 11-month old daughter barely eats any solid foods, because she's just not interested right now. I plan to breastfeed her until she weans herself, and not a moment before. I allow her to nurse on her own schedule, even when she just wants to nurse for comfort. I am a terrible mother. Everybody knows that babies don't know what they need, so you have to give them solid foods, even if they don't want them. And if you allow them to self-wean and nurse on demand, they'll think they can always have what they want, whenever they want it. I am a terrible mother, and I apparently don't care about my child's nutrition.

My daughter sleeps with my husband and me in our bed for a large part of the night. She often sleeps latched onto my breast, because she sometimes can't sleep otherwise. I refuse to let her cry it out at bedtime, and instead allow her to set her own bedtime and nighttime rhythm. I don't make her take naps when she doesn't want to, and I don't keep her awake when she wants to take a nap, even if I need to go to the grocery store. Everyone knows that kids need discipline and structure. If you don't let them cry sometimes, they'll be spoiled, and start to manipulate you. I am a terrible mother for not letting my child cry in her room alone.

I don't believe in spanking. I believe in alternative methods of discipline, such as time-outs, talking it out, and creative discipline. I believe the punishment should fit the crime: if my daughter writes on the walls with crayon, her punishment will be to clean it up, not being grounded, because being grounded has nothing to do with writing on the walls. If my child throws a fit in the store because I won't buy her a toy or a candy bar, we will leave the store - I will not hit her or scream at her. But everyone knows that sometimes kids just need a good smack across the rear end. Kids who don't get spanked grow up to be selfish and spoiled, and never learn to follow the rules. I'm a bad mother for wanting to raise my child this way.

My daughter rarely wears socks. In fact, unless we go out, she rarely wears any clothes at all. The only thing she wears around the house is a cloth diaper with a diaper cover. No, we don't use disposables, even though everyone knows that cloth diapers are "yucky." And running around with no socks like that will make her catch a cold. Everybody knows that. I am a horrible, horrible mom.

Wait a minute - that can't be right. My child is one of the happiest babies I've ever seen. She's perfectly healthy, and very smart. She is confident and secure, and knows she is loved. So what gives? Why should I feel like a bad mom for following my own instincts?

Women, and mothers especially, have a tendency to cut one another down. We don't feel good about ourselves, because society has drilled it into our heads that if we're not 100% perfect, we're not good enough. So we try to build ourselves up by tearing other women down. We get a kind of sick pleasure in making another woman feel as bad as we do.

But you know what? Feeding methods do not make a good mother. Yes, breastfeeding is healthier for baby and mom, but a mom who chooses formula is no better or worse than a mom who chooses to breastfeed. A mom who weans her nursling at the age of 6 months is no better or worse than a mom whose child self-weans at age 4. The same goes for bedsharing. It's not going to make my child clingy to share our bed with her, and at the same time, it's not child abuse to have your child sleep in his own crib in another room. Just because I choose not to spank my child does not mean that I will not discipline my child. She will know and respect rules, and my methods don't make me a bad mom, any more than a mom who spanks is a bad mom. And clothes? If it's cold, I of course dress my daughter appropriately. But cold feet do not, in fact, cause children to catch colds. Germs do, and no article of clothing is going to deter germs, unless it would be a plastic bubble helmet. I use cloth diapers because it's cheaper and better for the planet, but that doesn't make me a better or worse mom than one who chooses disposables for convenience.

We women need to stick together. Educate one another, support one another, help one another grow and learn as mothers, as women, and as human beings. As long as we're at each other's throats, trying to destroy one another's self esteem, we will never be able to rise above this place of pettiness. We will never be able to break free of the stereotypes that have for so long held us back.

If you see a woman who has made different choices from yours, whether they be parenting-related or otherwise, take a moment to put yourself in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't have all the information at hand, and maybe you can teach her a bit, if you go about it the right way. Maybe she does have the information, but doesn't have enough support, and has made the choices which make her life easier. Or maybe she has other reasons. Regardless, don't cut her down just because she lives her life differently from yours. And in the same token, if a woman asks you about a choice that you have made, don't automatically assume that she's judging you. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's just curious; maybe she just wants to help. After all, if we don't help one another, we'll never get anywhere in this world.