Confessions of a Closet Metrosexual

I'm not gay. I don't have any desires in that regard whatsoever. But I don't despise gay men, and have had many gay friends and acquaintances over the years that were nice guys and who never made a pass at me (thank you, gentlemen). I just turn away when Kevin and Scotty kiss on "Brothers and Sisters." I guess that's my first confession as a closet metrosexual. Though I pretend I'm giving in, I like watching "Brothers and Sisters" with her.

Dictionary.com defines "metrosexual" as: n, adj - A heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males (1994; blend of metropolitan + heterosexual).

It does sound like me.

I really like the Communards, but not so much the Village People. I enjoy singing karaoke, and even was a "KJ" for a while. Many, many of the best singers I've heard at karaoke over the years have been openly gay. One dude even beat me out in a contest singing, and dressing, as Reba McEntire.

My actual closet is a room next to our master bedroom that was supposed to be another bedroom. I added two wall-length rows of clothing bars to handle all of our work clothes. We're both professionals and have full wardrobes. My wife uses nearly two-thirds of that space, as one would expect, but my side is the one sorted by size, color and type. T-shirts are separated into neatly-folded stacks of with or without designs, long-sleeves and business jackets in the room's original closet, short sleeves in the top row, slacks in the lower row, and all are sorted by color- black, gray, blue, green, beige and brown- just like in my sock drawer. I know I'm not simply OCD- when my wife hangs a blue shirt with the green ones, I do notice but don't flip out or drop everything to rush over and fix the transgression. I don't even mention it. I just wait until the next morning when I'm getting dressed and quietly place it where it belongs.

I think my determination to dress well developed during my childhood, when we were poor and wore cheap clothing that was never really in style. I was the oldest of seven and Mom was a single mother with not much income living in the barrios of Eastern Los Angeles County. I always envied the kids at school who were dressed in style and had impeccable taste, and whose families had that lifestyle. I wanted to be like that, someday.

I do have a creative eye. My homes have always been well-decorated and I have often been told I should have gone into interior design. When we showed our home in Lancaster, NY, before moving a few years ago, most of the Sundays were filled not with potential buyers but with people wanting to see the décor. Word had spread like wildfire- it was open house at the Huber's. While flattering, this was quite frustrating. On the bright side, when we put our furniture and décor on the market, it was sold to a single buyer, all of it, within an hour.

I am a poet and photographer. I have four books on the market combining these two arts and have a fairly large on-line following. I've won both photo and poetry contests over the years with my slant towards Americana. Too bad poetry doesn't pay the bills.

I'm also a pretty good cook. My enchiladas are a trademark dish and distant family members make plans to visit just to partake. I've never aspired to be a gourmet chef, but I could really enjoy cooking if I ever had a properly stocked and properly-mechanized kitchen.

I think I would like a man-purse (don't tell my wife, she might buy me one) if it didn't make me feel gay to carry one, let alone what I would look like. Think of the Progressive Insurance commercial where the store clerk tells the man that he wouldn't have to carry his wife's purse any longer. She immediately corrects her, somewhat defensively, saying that it's in fact a "European shoulder bag." The husband explains it was a gift, his eyes darting in embarrassment towards his wife. Poor chap.

I'm waiting for bikers, firefighters and construction workers to start carrying European shoulder bags. Then I can feel good about carrying one, too.