Confessions of a Female-to-Male Transsexual

Dio* (not his real name) had something of an unusual childhood, one the average boy wouldn't dream of having. He was born a girl. Since his earliest memories, he felt a feeling of 'misalignment' within himself that estranged him from his body and has since followed him through young adulthood. As a child, he didn't really dwell on elaborating the feeling, only keeping close a knowledge that he was somehow different, and a certainty that he wasn't female from a very early age. By the teenage years he had come to believe he was a gender-neutral person who identified with a male body and a masculine identity. He was distinctly uncomfortable within his female appearance and through he could interact well enough with peers, felt exceedingly lonely and detached from people of all ages.

"I had always been very aware that what other people saw on the outside of me didn't match what I felt I was on the inside, but at the time I didn't know there was any way to get a male body, and hadn't yet considered the possibility that I was transsexual," Dio says, remembering. He had until then only heard of male-to-female transsexuals and although he identified with the desire to align the sense of self with physical gender, he certainly wasn't one of them - not only had he been born a woman, but he knew in his heart that he was anything but female.

Around age sixteen, he came across something that wasn't just a pipe dream he had long since tried to give up on. Although becoming a female-to-male transsexual looked to be costly, it did seem doable, and, after extensive researching, he found it was not nearly as pricey as he had expected. "When it really occurred to me that I could actually do this, it was like I finally had something hope for," says Dio, "It was such a relief. Before, I felt like I had been in limbo for most of my life, and I always felt like I was sorely missing something. I basically felt like, 'was this it?' But finding out transitioning was possible was like a renewed reason to go on."

And Dio knew he could do this, and that he could eventually raise the money he would need to transition. He was very intelligent and had strong writing skills: he'd already written several works of fiction, and he was confident that he could eventually publish decent works. He had gotten his highschool diploma at fourteen because he had fallen seriously ill during his first semester there, and had just wanted it over with. The only thing hindering him was that he had long ago lost his self-worth, and had been seriously depressed for years because like many starkly intelligent people before their times, he felt like a failure and had many inward ups and downs.

One reason for this was that he believed no one could see him for what he was. The fact of the matter was that everyone else just saw him as just another teenaged girl and 'one of the crowd', no matter how brilliantly he could carry on a conversation or how gentlemanly he was to every single person he met. In essence, he considered himself trapped in a body that wasn't his, and severely resented himself for it. He felt invisible.

For years before he discovered there were things that could be done for his misplaced state of self, Dio thought suicide to be his only option. When he looked in a mirror, all he saw was an image he didn't know. Social situations were a constant reminder that he wasn't male in appearance, regardless of how he presented himself, so he began to avoid interactions with other people, until he didn't even want to step outside of the house. His strongest wish was to find true companionship, in part because of how important he considered loyalty and friendship. However, he also knowingly prevented himself from doing so by frequently isolating himself from other people. There were occasional attempts to become friends with several boys of a similar or slightly older age, but Dio quickly found that no matter how much in common their shared interests held, these young men just didn't want to be friends with someone who looked female in the same way they were with another male.

As someone who naturally possessed a very assertive and dominant personality, Dio considered the strength in his person to have long ago been suppressed by the pain and anger he directed inward. It was one blow after another to be rejected for something that was only superficial, until he was no longer saw himself as 'having once had the potential to be a strong personality' - he just considered himself a failure. Perhaps he'd seen some bad luck so far with the people he'd previously attempted to become friends with, but he just didn't want to go through the process of rejection again and again. At this time in his life (which spanned across most of his teen years), he felt like there was no hope for him, and he wanted nothing more than to die.

However, his situation did improve greatly. Now at twenty, he is a female-to-male transgendered person who plans very shortly to physically transition from the body of a female into that of a male. Dio attributes much of his improvement to discovering that transgendered people were not so uncommon, and that there were options available to potentially change his physical sex. While still somewhat guarded in his approach to life (he still struggles with his self-image and retains a certain sense of reservation in social situations), he has made himself more open to the possibilities of friendship, and has come across several friends, both male and female, over the last few years.

There are many common misconceptions about the sexual orientation of transsexual individuals, but Dio is attracted to men (and identifies as a gay man) regardless of what anybody expects of him based on appearances alone. Sexual orientation, as he explains, is as varied among transsexual people as it is among everybody else. "I never felt like a 'straight' female in my attraction to men, and there was never any consideration of myself being a lesbian or a gay woman. None of those terms fit me, and while I don't like using labels to describe myself, I am attracted to men and in this sense, gay male seems pretty accurate."

Would Dio date a man during transition? "After I have reached a point where I can 'pass' as a man," He says, "That's very important to me. I want to have at least had hormones before I date anyone, as well as chest surgery. And when I start to look, I will be looking for a partner, not a short-term relationship of any kind."

The hormones given to female-to-male transsexuals in transition changes facial structure, voice pitch, body mass and a host of other things. Chest surgery removes the breast tissues and secondarily sculpts a male appearance to the top half of the chest. There are many more surgeries available to female-to-males, including optional removal of reproductive organs (hysterectomy, vaginectomy) and various genital procedures, such as very realistic testicular implants. The creation of a penis has not been perfected by modern science and is currently a relatively expensive surgery called a phalloplasty. Instead, many transmen get a procedure called a metoidioplasty, which can give the appearance of a small penis. This surgery is often accompanied with testicular implants and/or the optional lengthening of the urethra so the patient will be able to urinate from the new penis.

"if I can, I will get a phalloplasty. However, it is a very expensive procedure and not many doctors are willing to perform it. I also plan to get a hysterectomy, vaginectomy, and oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes). At least two of these procedures can be performed in one surgery, so it's actually less complicated than it sounds."

Does he ever wish he had just been born into the body of a man? "Honestly," He pauses, "Yes. Almost every day. I can't say I'm not grateful for the knowledge I've gleaned from the experiences I've had, but I do wish that I had been born male. In my youth, my depression nearly destroyed my health and definitely devastated my self-worth. Even now, I still experience bouts of severe self-doubt and occasional suicidal thoughts."

Despite his inner turmoils, he has no doubt that transitioning is what he needs to do in order to live his life to the fullest. As for the reactions of friends and family, his father has always been unfailingly supportive of Dio's identity as a man and his decision to transition. And as Dio puts it, "The friends who mind aren't your friends, and true friends don't care if you're a man, woman or otherwise."

And finally, what does Dio want to do with his life? "Definitely writing and more writing (laughs). I hope to eventually be able to sustain a living by authoring supernatural-themed novels. I'm also heading towards getting an English degree in the future, perhaps with a focus in Editing as a potential career."