Confessions of a "Functioning Alcoholic"

So many mornings I wake up with that slight headache and disappointment in myself for having one too many the night before. I then drag myself out of bed, and begin my day. My day is like so many other people's. I get breakfast for my kids and get my oldest off to school. My day is filled with cooking, cleaning, laundry, carpooling, and children's activities. I am the average person until night approaches and the kids go to sleep. That is when I open a beer, which is often followed by a few more.

I began drinking when I was young. It was just a taste or two here and there. When I became a teen, the best way to have a good time always involved alcohol. As an adult, I took pride in my ability to enjoy a beer in the comfort of my own home.

I have given birth to three wonderful children after three pregnancies in which I abstained from alcohol. It was easy to give up alcohol for another human being, but when would I learn to give up alcohol for myself? When would I begin to care about the damage I was doing to my liver or even the impact that my drinking could have on those children that I love so much?

I am not a bad drinker; I never have been. I have seldom driven after drinking. That is what irresponsible drinkers do. I do not get into fights when drinking. That is what drunks do. I do not become an emotional, crying mess. That is what losers do. I told myself that since I drank "responsibly" I did not have a problem. I told myself that since I still functioned normally throughout my day without alcohol, then I wasn't an "alcoholic". I reasoned with myself, telling myself that I deserved to have a drink or two or six or even ten to relax in the evenings after a long day. I knew "alcoholics" craved alcohol and felt a need to drink it constantly even in the mornings. I never craved alcohol until at least noon, and then would hold off until my day was through, therefore, I reasoned, I could not be an alcoholic.

About a year ago, I came to the realization that my drinking had at least blurred the line of alcoholism. Rather than quit drinking, I began to bargain with myself once again. I decided that I would only drink on weekends. That worked okay for awhile. I felt like I had gained control of my addiction, for about a minute. Then I began telling myself that I deserved a drink here and there. Next thing I knew, I was drinking way too much again.

Recently, I have finally learned that I do not "deserve" a drink, what I deserve is to be a "functioning person" WITHOUT the drug of alcohol. Therefore, this year, I make the New Year's resolution for myself, and for my children, to give up alcohol.

I can be a "functioning person" without being a "functioning alcoholic".