Confessions of a Military Wife

I was a Navy brat for the first 18 years of my life. Only a few months later, I married my husband and became an Air Force wife. I don't think I'm what most consider the "typical" military wife, but the picture our society has of "typical" is flawed. Let me show you the military through my eyes and tell you what other military wives will not admit. I don't sugarcoat anything. Here is the truth about the benefits, the hardships, and the feelings that go along with being a military wife. While I don't think it's the hardest job in the military, it is still very stressful and difficult.

While I love having complementary healthcare, I abhor the system. Making an appointment is sometimes quick and painless and sometimes can take hours. Doctors rarely listen to everything you have to say or take you seriously. Their automatic answer to everything is not to make a diagnosis, because that takes time, effort, tests, and money--but to prescribe an antibiotic or pain killer. Formerly, over-the-counter drugs like Tylenol or Benadryll, when recommended, were prescribed, so that you do not have to pay for them. Very rarely is this the case today. They are also, overall, very close-minded to natural treatments. Furthermore they have the tendency to be bossy, ordering you around and ignoring your wishes. Some are horribly misinformed. I admit that I have encountered a few doctors within the system that were wonderful, but the vast majority of my experiences with the military healthcare system have been negative.

I hate our dental insurance and our optometry insurance. I think we should have orthodontic insurance. These areas are just as important to our health and quality of life as any other aspect, so why should our coverage be any less? A 20% copay may not seem like a lot, but it adds up. Our son has a genetic condition that causes weak enamel and a proneness to caries, so most of his top teeth need crowns. Our share of the bill is $325, an amount that isn't easy to come by as a lower-ranking enlisted family. My parents could barely afford my brother's glasses and contacts, yet he needed them to see and to succeed in school. A 20% copay is a lot to ask of a person you don't pay what they are worth, especially when that person can be sent to war to risk his life or even die at any time. Other services that can be extremely helpful, such as chiropractics, aren't covered at all for dependants.

I hate moving all the time. Even every 3-4 years is too often. Something breaks or is lost every time. We can't have nice things for long. Moreover, the military contracts out to the lowest bidder, so if you don't want something stolen, you must move yourself. A small TV was stolen the last time we moved, and they ignored us when we insisted repeatedly that it had been packed and was not there. We have to keep our furniture small, belongings few, because the next home may be smaller. I have to redecorate and unpack each time we move, get used to a new location, make new friends and miss the old. Thankfully we've only had to move once and will only have to move once more, as we're not planning on staying in long. I'd rather just settle down than stay abroad like this, not just for my sake but for my children's.

While I despise the hardships of moving, I enjoy the chance to be away from home and see the world. I have grown to love Colorado, from the hail storms to the beautiful mountains. It's nice to have friends in many different parts of the country. It's nice to stray from home every once in a while. I f we did stay in, I'd love to be stationed in Europe or some other part of the world. It would be a wonderful experience for us and our children. I even envy my husband a bit that he gets to spend a year in Korea, around a totally different culture. I bet it's like a different world over there, and I bet he learns a lot during his stay. I would love to go just to see it, just to have been there. I'd love to see the world. But I do prefer to have a home in one place to come back to.

While I take pride in my husband serving his country, I feel bad for him at times. There have been times when he's been shown such compassion...and when no respect whatsoever has been demonstrated for his human dignity. He has been screwed over many times, out of days off, out of awards. Even with all of our benefits, he isn't paid anywhere near what he would be making in the civil world. He has a stressful job and is hardly compensated for it. He is sent away every few months for classes, deployments. That's as hard on him as it is on us. Only now, almost four years in, is he really started to be taken seriously and given any real consideration at all. Some of his superiors are fabulous and care so much; others are, well, less than satisfactory. It's hard to measure up to some people's high standards...and yet those same people often have low ones for themselves.

I suppose those are parts of most jobs, but add that to the stress of working long hours, the anxiety of the knowledge he can be sent off anytime, and the hardship of frequent and long separations from his home and family. He deserves better: more time off, better pay, less separations. We deserve to be paid more than $250 for a month apart. If he is gone for a 3-week class that requires 3 days of traveling there and back, it still only counts as 3 weeks despite the fact that he's gone a month. They love to schedule classes like that to screw you out of the separation pay, so that you're back ONE day before they have to give it to you. I am thankful at least that he's Air Force. It would be a lot worse if he were in another branch, where the respect for family is not as strong. I have nothing against other branches, but I love the Air Force. I just think the military needs improvement in how they treat their employees and dependants.

I don't agree with this war. Most military wives do, but I don't. For some reason others feel that is a terrible shame. My husband's biological family thinks that's completely awful of me. If I don't believe in the war, they think, isn't he serving in vain? No, because it doesn't matter if I believe in the war. He does, and he's fighting for what he believes in. I respect and admire that. He took an oath to go to war if the president saw fit. I don't agree that we should be at war, but I'm not the president. He swore to obey the president, not me. He is obeying his oath and answering the call to duty. That means nothing he's doing is in vain. I support the troops. I support my husband. I wait faithfully, holding down the fort at home when he's gone--though thankfully, he hasn't been to war and shouldn't have to go. But I think the best support we can give them is to bring them home.

While I am proud of my husband anytime he ranks up or completes another year of service, I look forward to the raise a little more. A rank raise doesn't mean much for the family. I know what it means to him: success, more respect, closer to being a supervisor. I'm happy for him. For the family, it simply means more financial help. When my husband makes Staff Sergeant, it will help his self-esteem and confidence, further his career, and be the start of a new journey in the Air Force, increasing his job satisfaction. The raise, however, will help our family tremendously. Staying afloat financially is difficult as an E4 or below. Until you've lived paycheck to paycheck, you have no idea how much even a small raise can change things. Even an extra $100 a month can make an immense difference.

You have to really be able to live within your means to make it, but we were never good at that, not through and through. We make ends meet, and we do know how and when to sacrifice. We also know how to work hard, and we have chosen to do that for now to limit our sacrifice. To afford two decent vehicles, an air-conditioned home off base, and keep our son out of daycare, we work very hard. My husband runs deliveries 4 evenings a week for a Chinese restaurant. I work at home as a home daycare provider and--you guessed it--content producer here at AC. I also dabble in Mary Kay and GPT sites. We stay very busy--yet we still don't have much extra money laying around. We do, however, manage to live a pretty decent life--much better than if we relied on his military income alone.

We could sell our house, trade in our cars for crapmobiles, cut back on luxuries like internet and TV. It'd certainly make things easier financially, but driving our son around in unsafe, undependable vehicles and watching him sweat all summer aren't in the description of the life we want. Until we can afford that on his salary, we work to have multiple sources of income. A man should be able to earn enough, especially in a job that can send him to war, to care for his family. He should be able to afford a home of his own, reliable (not expensive, flashy) cars, clothes, medical expenses, food, utilities--without having to work a second job, without his wife working two jobs. Unfortunately that's not the case in the military unless you're at least an E5. We lower ranking families have to know how to pinch pennies--or work harder to survive.

I don't get along with other military wives. Some cheat on their spouses when their husbands are gone, even moving their boyfriends in. Many are young wives who married out of high school and began having kids young, like me. Unfortunately, many of those women haven't quite grown up and still love drama, judge others, and act snobby. Others believe in letting the husband rule the roost and expect you to be submissive and raise the children without complaint, even if he buys an Xbox 360 when you need money for the light bill. Some act as if their husband's rank is their own, as if they outrank you if their husband out ranks yours. The slightly older wives, whose husbands usually hold slightly higher ranks like E5 or above, tend to have earned a degree and established a career. Some of them act condescending because you haven't, such as talking down to you, feeling sorry for you, or offering help in a distinctly charitable way.

Thankfully there are plenty of women who aren't part of these groups. I have met only a few in person and many more online. I like open-minded, tolerant, unselfish people who avoid drama and don't feel or act superior. Then again, maybe it's just women in general whom I don't get along with. So many are cats with their claws out, ready to strike. Perhaps I am just extra picky about who I befriend. And perhaps others just find me odd because I don't believe the man has to wear the pants, because I don't plan on going to college anytime soon, and because I don't believe my husband's rank is mine. There is the stereotype that all we wives do is cheat when our husbands are gone, and that's certainly not true of me. I don't know what it is exactly. All I can say is that it's hard for me to find another military wife that I have enough in common with and am compatible with on a personality level.

That's right, another startling confession: I don't cheat on my husband when he's gone, at least once a year. I haven't even though about it. *gasp* This shocks some, who mistakenly believe that most of us cheat--or who are cheaters. I don't even look at porn. (But, ok, I have had weird pregnancy dreams that weren't so kosher!) I also don't ever (seriously, anyway) suspect him of cheating. He never gives me reason to accuse. I worry about him doing things that are bad for him like smoking. And I admit it: I can't stand him looking at porn, so I worry he's doing that. Sometimes he does; sometimes he doesn't. He gets an earful if I find out about it, though! He should use his imagination. I know he has one!

I look forward to the short separations. When one is approaching, by the time he leaves, I am so ready for him to be gone. While I hate him having to miss that time in our son's life, it's nice for it to be just him and me sometimes. I think those short breaks strengthen our relationship. Everyone needs some time apart sometimes. They always come just when we're about ready to kill each other, tired of each other, etc. Most of our separations are only a month-long to safe places in the US. Only one was for four months, and I got to go visit him--in Florida! That's probably why I don't abhor them so much. The extra money is nice, too. I am, however, dreading his year-long tour in Korea. It will be hard to take care of our children, home, and finances by myself and to live without him for so long.

Reuniting is harder than parting. Corbin and I have to get used to him being home again, and Corey must get accustomed to family life again. It takes a little time for us to re-integrate, but we're always so happy to all be back together. Parting, as they say, is such sweet sorrow, but it's not as hard to adjust to him being gone as it is to him coming back. Corbin must get to know him all over again. Either way, readjusting is the hardest part of parting and reuniting. (The emotional roller coaster and loneliness aren't fun either.) It's hard on us all in more ways than one. But just as I am ready for him to go when the time comes for him to leave, by the time he returns, I am so ready to see him again: not just to have help with our son and around the house, but to have him at my side again.

Despite all of this, I don't regret being a military wife. All in all it's a decent life. It has taught my husband so much, raised his self-esteem, and made him more assertive. It's given him money for college. They have trained him in a useful skill and taught him to be a supervisor. They have taken care of us in many ways. There is so much support for military families. It's not an easy way of life, and we all have complaints. Overall though we think this is a great path to something better, a stepping stone in our lives. It's only the beginning, and one day our lives will be so much better thanks to hard work and the military.