Confessions of a Sex Addict: The First Step is Admitting

I grew up knowing I had a gene which made me pre-disposed for any kind of addiction. My father is a recovery alcoholic and addict, and I was told from the time he entered rehab when I was 10 that there was a history of "addiction" in our family. My parents were very conservative and raised me on the traditional, "no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no cursing, no sex" routine, but somehow in my teenage years I managed to rebel against every one of their rules.

I knew my luck was too good to be true. Here I am, 20 years old, and I've had my share (and probably yours) of alcohol, clubs, smoking, sex, cursing, and a little bit of every sin my parents warned me about. I thought I was either lucky, or just that good to have not become addicted to any of these things. I don't just test the water, I dive in and gulp it down.

I was beginning at puberty all the way to today that I have a very addictive personality, that I am cut from the mold of an addict. I knew that, but thought I was untouchable. Just because I was predisposed to addiction did not mean it would happen; just because I fit the profile did not mean I would ever become dependent on anything.

That's a lie. For two years I've been telling my family that lie, myself that lie, boyfriends and best friends and grandparents and preachers that I was untouchable. I didn't even realize I was lying. When you are an addict, you don't realize your dependency. You think you just WANT that drink, that cigarette, that drug. You think this is one single decision, that nothing affected, and there's a great possibilty that you'll never make the same bad decision again. And you KNOW it's a bad decision, but it's YOUR decision to make... not your addiction's, not your dependency's. The famous, "I'm fine all by myself, I don't need your help, I'm grown and this is just a stage I'm going through" thought process is constant in an addict.

So here I am, 20 years old, addicted to sex.

I remember hearing of sex addicts when my father went to treatment for drugs and alcohol, thinking it was so funny and making jokes to my friends that there was such a thing. How ironic and frustrating that that is the addiction that chose me, or that I chose... whether you are an addict or a non-addict, your perspective of who chose what will vary. I don't like it. And I'm just entering my first step of recovery, admitting that I am an addict. Somehow these articles are going to help me through this process, and hopefully help you as well.

I am addicted to something. How hard it is to admit... but... I am addicted to sex? How is an attractive, 20 year old college female, supposed to say this and be taken seriously? Isn't an attractive, 20 year old college female SUPPOSED to have sex? To get what she wants? To have that power over men? I joked with my friends about my problem long before I realized it was even a problem. In my group of girls, I am the one who always has a man on my mind. Not a boyfriend, a man. I am the one who will strategize how to pick a man up at the club, tell my friends how to get that man they've always wanted. I have more game than any man I've ever met. I can get what I want in 10 minutes of meeting someone. I can cheat and never get caught. I have literally timed myself at how long it took from start to finish. I have sat with a group of girls drinking and answered questions like I had my own sex show, given sexual advice, relationship advice, how-to's for every topic from introducing yourself to breaking it off and never answering his calls.

I have hurt men and felt accomplished. I have cheated and laughed at the ease of the situation. I have made fun of men for caring about me, stopped answering phone calls immediately after sex, and left men asleep in hotel rooms to never talk to them again, even when it was men who saw a future with me. I am not a whore, a slut, or easy. There is a difference in a lose woman, and a woman with a sex addiction. I didn't say yes to every man that asked, I was the one picking them up. I didn't do a lot of things that even I have a taboo against. But I did a LOT of things that I DO have a taboo against. I laugh at myself for even using the term whore, because... maybe I am. To many people, I'm sure that is my label. To myself, I am a person with an addiction that for two years I did whatever it took to satisfy, with no attention to the feelings of anyone, including myself, but that addiction.

So, here I am. Admitting my problem. Sex is not a hobby for me, or a connection with someone I care about. Sex is an addiction. Something so much more serious than some addictions... And I praise the Lord every day because up to this point, I have never suffered the consequences, I have never contracted a disease, I have never gotten pregnant... But this will always be a part of who I am, this has wrecked the feelings of countless men, this has lost me countless friends, hurt my family, hurt people I cared about. This addiction has been the force that made me move 3 times in the first two years of college, constantly start over, quit jobs, have my number changed, delete myspace accounts. This addiction has began to completely control my life. I have to recover before I do suffer even more than the mental and emotional consequences.

Here I am, a 20 year old sex addict.

Follow me as I assess myself, my history, my addiction, and my future.