Confessions of a Stay at Home Dad

For the first time since my wife and I married, I am not the breadwinner in our house. Last year I decided to go to graduate school, which meant giving up my job and staying at home with our three children while my wife supports our family. My wife was very supportive of my decision to stay at home with the kids while she went off and worked. I now know why. Six months of being Mr. Mom has taught me why - and a few other things.

Things I've learned the hard way.

Dry Clean Only
Clothes come with little tags inside that tell you how to wash them. When the little tag says "Dry Clean Only", they really mean it. Also on a side note, should you wash your wife's favorite pair of dry clean only slacks, try not to convince her that they would make a nice pair of Capri's.

I See Irrational People
All day long, I deal with little irrational beings who for no particular reason decide they must go potty, lose their shoes or want a drink every time we need to go somewhere. You can't really reason with them, so sorry to those child psychologists who insist you can. Maybe you can reason with your kid over the author's use of symbolism in Hop on Pop, but when my child refuses to accept that a jelly and peanut butter sandwich is the exact same thing as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, no amount of logic has yet convinced them otherwise.

Washing Dishes
Don't try using Tide in the dishwasher - unless you also wanted to mop the floor. Although I did earn cool points with the kids when the suds started gushing from the dishwasher.

You Will be Late
No matter what you do. No matter how early you try to leave. You will be late. Just deal with it.

What has Happened to Time?
I had more time when I was working all day. I thought being at home would enable me to have all the time in the world, but was I ever wrong. I am convinced that somewhere in our house is a vortex that sucks away time.

Cartoons
I'm trying to remember, but aren't there some movies out there that aren't cartoons? I have this vague, shadowy recollection of films that featured real people.

On a related note, I'm really starting to enjoy Spongebob, so much so, that when my friends are discussing the latest movies they've seen, I love to mention Spongebob and Snow White and The Little Mermaid and all the fun movies I've seen lately.

Excuse me, but I seem to have misplaced my brain.
I used to be fairly intelligent. I could carry on discussions in politics, philosophy, current events, you name it. Now I can't seem to string three words together into a coherent sentence. I have no clue what's going on in the world, what's on TV, how the economy is doing, nothing. Nada. Not a clue. I can tell you that Cinderella 3 will be out soon - does that count?

The Legend of the Lost Sippy Cup
It had been missing for quite a while. For some reason my daughter thought it would be a good idea to put her sippy cup of milk behind some books on her bookshelf. I never knew how they made cottage cheese until I found this thing. Whatever you do, don't open it thinking you will clean it. Just toss it. Trust me.

Things I thought I'd Never Say
There are certain things you just never expect to cross your lips in a lifetime. The past six months has been full of them:

Please don't empty your potty in the sink.

Don't blow your nose on the wall.

Don't eat the worm! Don't eat the worm!!!

Why do you have a soggy marshmallow in your pocket?

Changing Roles
I'll be the first to admit it; my wife ran the house much better than I do. You could actually find things when she was here. Somehow, no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to get the house as clean as she could, or as organized. I've tried implementing plans we'd use at work to increase efficiency, and none of them seem to have any effect. I'm concerned that by the time I get good at this, it will be time for it to end. But, I guess all good things come to an end.