Confessions of a Telemarketer

You know me. I'm the one who calls you when you're trying to eat your fabulous family dinner. I'm the one who calls. And calls. And calls.

I never stop. You know me. And you hate me.

My name is Mary and I'm a telemarketer. You answer the phone expectantly, maybe hoping to hear from a lover, or perhaps it's good news about that new job for which you recently applied.

"May I please speak with Ms. Mandy Fraser?"

"This is Mandy!"

You sound so nice at first. I'm nice, too. I smile into my headset.

"Hi, Ms. Fraser! My name is Mary, and I'm a professional fundraiser calling--"

"What do you want?!"

It's not a question. You know what I want. You already hate me, and you don't even know me.

"Well, ma'am, I'm just calling on behalf of your nonprofit group-"

"Look. I don't accept telephone solicitation. You people call far too often."

The way you say "solicitation" makes my job sound so dirty.

That's the first thing you seem to forget. It's my job. I'm not calling you because I want to bother you. Believe me, I'd rather not call anyone. I'd rather sit back and relax.

Unfortunately, like most people in this country, I have to work. Maybe I'm an eighteen-year-old student trying desperately to get through college. Maybe I'm an incredibly intelligent woman with a Master's Degree, who just can't seem to find anything in this lousy economy.

Maybe I'm you, twenty years ago, and I wasn't lucky enough to snag a different course of life.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Fraser, I just wanted to thank you for your donation to our cause."

Wait a minute. Cause? That's right, I work for a nonprofit group-- one that I really love. That's why I started working here.

Realistically, most calls don't make it this far. I generally expect to be hung up on the second I identify myself. Believe me, I understand-- we all know how many calls you receive.

The thing I don't understand is why so many people yell and scream into the phone when they realize I don't know them personally. Maybe this isn't you. Hopefully this isn't you.

"Hi! May I please speak with Mrs. Koontz?"

"**** NO, you obnoxious piece of ****!"

Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.

My first week on the job, I was met with one of these calls. I nearly cried. I was shaking for what seemed like hours.

I hope you're not thinking, "Good. You deserve it."

If you are, that's your opinion, to which you are entitled. And if that's your opinion, I tend to think that you haven't ever had to take a job out of necessity. You are very lucky.

Now we joke about these calls. It's the only way to get through them without crying all day.

"Oh, well fine, Mrs. Koontz-- I was actually just calling to let you know that you've won a million dollars! But since you don't want to talk..."

Or there's the ever-popular, "Well, thanks for cursing at me, Mrs. Koontz. Please keep in mind that I know where you live."

Seriously, do they forget we have all their information on the screen in front of us?

Then I always wonder how they would feel if we ended up calling with bad news, say from the hospital. Sure, it's a sad thought, but I would hope that if I received a call from someone I didn't know, I wouldn't scream at them before even hearing why they had called.

"Get to the point, honey," our fictional donor says, "you're calling for money, aren't you?"

"Oh, Ms. Fraser-- you got me! As you know, since we are a nonprofit, we rely solely on the contributions of our supporters to operate. You've been supporting us for nearly 20 years, and I want to personally applaud that."

"Mm hmm."

"I see in the notes that you actually went with one of our groups to lobby for this cause. That's incredible!"

"You... you know about that?"

"Yes! I'm really impressed! Actually, I'm genuinely excited that I got to talk to you today. I'd love to be more active in the politics surrounding our group, and people like you really inspire me."

"Oh. Wow. Well, thank you."

"No, Ms. Fraser. Thank you! You've been fighting for my rights since before my naïve mind could begin to wrap itself around the issues. Honestly, as cheesy as it may sound, you're giving me faith in humankind right now."

"Oh, sweetheart... thank you. You really made my day."

That's what I love. Those few times when I actually get to speak without being cut off, and I can make someone feel good. That's the point for me.

It's not the money you give. I don't see a dime of that money. It's talking to someone who cares about the cause as much as I do, and thanking that person for being part of it in any way they can.

I hope that someday soon, I'll be in a position to donate as much money as many of you can. Until then, I'm doing what I can. Maybe it annoys you, but it means a lot to our cause. Our cause.

"Well, wow, I'm so glad I could make your day," I beam. Then I realize my supervisor is glaring at me.

"So... umm... you wanna give us some money?"