Conflict in All Aspects Of Life

Conflict is something we all face in life, whether it is with a spouse, family member, friend, co-worker, animal, your-self, or with a boss. Conflict deals with hardship, power, control, culture, and societies as a whole. Conflict is a state of opposition, disagreement or incompatibility between two or more people or groups of people, which is sometimes characterized by physical violence. (Collins) I found this definition to be very vague when it is applied the topic at hand. You can get into a whole psychology of things when it comes to conflict. This passage from West & Turner might put this into perspective a little bit more, "Interpersonal conflict is a persuasive fact of relational life. Conflicts are interactions about important differences between interdependent people. These interactions can focus on image, content, values, and relational questions. Although conflict is often viewed as solely negative, conflict can have benefits, such as helping us clarify a relationship, its goals, and its values. Conflict is such a broad and extensive topic that I could not possibly sum it up for you in one ten page term paper. However, I will cover a couple key points and be making references to the movie Along Came Polly.

Defining conflict is somewhat easy and somewhat hard, it really depends on how deep you get into it. In the first five minutes of Along Came Polly we encounter a common conflict of interest that people have in a relationship, do I want to stay with one person physically and is that enough? I believe that this falls under a type of conflict that west and turner state as relational conflict. It is important to define a process that resolves problems and encourages members to talk about the issues under conflict in a controlled and reasonable way, even if those issues are intensely personal. Many people are conditioned to avoid conflict at any cost, that conflict is bad, a failure. (www.ic.org) I used this because it shows a specific way that Ben Stiller acts in this movie and commonly acts in a lot of his movies he seems to be closed to expressing what he truly wants to say to people. One thing I have noticed that is a very common conflict issue between people is kids, whether you should have them, how many, how you should raise them, how you should discipline them, etc. In this I have become very close with over the past nine months in my own relationship. I have found that the most common one I have encountered is an establishment of common goals in resolving conflict between what the child, Jasmine, wants and what we want to do to resolve this issue. The most problematic issue I have found is that in some instances we disagree on how high the level of discipline should be. Kids and dogs are two of the most conflicting life issues any couple deals with. (www.ic.org) Interpersonal conflict is a disagreement between connected individuals who each want something that is incompatible with what the other wants. (Pearson A&B) This came up in the movie when Ben starts dating a new person and finds that they are totally unalike. She is a risk taker with no model for what she wants her life to be and he is a total freak that wants to make sure everything is predictable and going to be ok before it happens. West and Turner state pretty much the same that interpersonal conflict is commonly defined as the interaction of interdependent people who perceive incompatible goals and interference from each other in achieving those goals. This definition is true to not only personal relationships with spouses or girlfriends but also with family, friends, work, school, all things all relationships a person may have in their life are active in this visual circle of conflict. This could encompass things such as where are we going to dinner, what movie are we going to go see or to the extreme level of what are we going to do with Uncle Ted's ashes. Bringing this to mind conflict can also come into play after death. For example, maybe Uncle Ted wanted his ashes to be scattered across a lake but some of the family members want to keep them where they can see them or maybe others feel that they should honor his wishes. We feel in life that we all have a personal opinion in life's conflicts but in reality each personal opinion is or has been affected by another person's ideas or opinions.

The text West & Turner speak of myths about conflict. Focusing mainly on whether conflict is always bad, whether conflict is just miscommunication, whether all conflicts can be resolved through good communication, and whether it is always best to talk through all conflicts. I am going to embellish a couple of these topics a little more. In ministry, conflict is sure to surface and it's not always bad. "There are some things that can be helpful and some good that can be achieved if we handle it well," said Art Groomes, pastoral ministry specialist in the church resources division of Lifeway Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. Conflict creates a challenge, Groomes said, and moving forward depends on trusting God. Conflict handled appropriately can lead to growth and a refocusing of God's Great Commission, he added. (Crow) This article makes a very good point about conflict as a good thing. The point being that even though we all strive for constant harmony, when conflict does rears its ugly head it makes room for us to learn from our mistakes. We see this all through the movie however one specific scenario that comes into play would be when Bens former wife comes back home too be with him after she cheated on him he actually considers it. From this point on into the rest of the movie he is constantly in conflict with himself trying to make the right decision. Now what really happens throughout this whole ordeal is he starts growing into a more open individual as each conflict arises between him and his ex and him and the new girl, ultimately enabling him to make the right decision. It is always best to talk through all conflicts, now West & Turner go overt this fairly well however I am offering up my own opinion and some other opinions too. This is a common misconception about conflict. Many people believe in this principle and continually try to uphold it in order to get the best results out of every conflict. I used to be one of them always thinking that if I could just get more words out the person I might be having the conflict with might agree. You can't always find a way to solve a conflict. If the other person doesn't want to work it out-or if the conflict gets physical-give it a rest and walk away. Keeping safe is always the smart way to go! (Dealing) I believe this to be very true. Even though you may risk another conflict at a later time it gives the arguing couple time to think rational thoughts and prepare for the next conflict if there is one. I typically find that when I am in a defensive state I tend to think less clearly and more irrationally. So not "Duking it out" all in one conflict can ultimately be rewarding in the end.

According to West & Turner some of the factors that influence interpersonal conflict in every day communication are Gender and Culture. To better understand this lets look at a more complex definition of gender and culture. The word gender describes the idea that many animal species are divided into what are known as sexes, i.e. male and female, or neither. Some languages have a system of grammatical gender; while nouns may be classified as "masculine" or "feminine" in such languages, this is essentially a convention with little or no connection to their meaning. Likewise, a wide variety of phenomena have gendered characteristics ascribed to them, by analogy to male and female bodies or due to social norms. In social sciences, the word "gender" is sometimes used in contrast to biological sex, to emphasize a social, cultural, or psychological dimension. The discipline of gender studies investigates and theorizes on the nature of sex and gender. (Haig) My reason for inserting this is because of one detail "Social Norms"; we believe as an American culture today that it is normal for a man to become less emotional and more frigid in a conflict. However in my own relationship and it also seems prevalent in the movie that some men act as if they were of an opposite gender than the "Norm." Gender itself is a defining factor most of the time in a conflict. A conflict between men can be less wordy but also more physically violent at the same time. A conflict between women can be more emotionally violent and definitely wordier when it comes to conflict with each other. But between a male and a female it is like trying to define the cosmos. The mixed emotions, the awkward silences, the constant nagging and the whole through the wall are always the defining factors of male/female conflicts. Culture from the Latin cultura stemming from colere, meaning "to cultivate", generally refers to patterns of human activity and the symbolic structures that give such activity significance. More recently, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization described culture as follows: "... culture should be regarded as the set of distinctive spiritual, material, intellectual and emotional features of society or a social group, and that encompasses, in addition to art and literature, lifestyles, ways of living together, value systems, traditions and beliefs. (Culture) There are many different cultures throughout the world and they all have conflict in common. However what is not common among them is the very reason that different people of different cultures do conflict. They might not agree on who or what is god, how women should be treated, what animals are proper to eat and not to eat, etc. the main factor is that we all have somewhat of a cultural difference from each other depending on how we were raised and how we perceive our own world as it is. This shows it's face on the movie when we see the difference between Ben and a client of his. Ben is more close minded and fearful while his client is really opened minded and fearless. Culture can come into play here in a sense that the one was most likely raised with more of a diversely cultural background than the other leaving him less susceptible to fear of uncharted territories, so to say.

The last topic of conflict I am going to discuss is going to be of somewhat more personal opinion of me than anything. West & Turner on page 268 speak of communication patterns in conflict. Symmetrical Escalation, according to the book, exists when each partner chooses to increase the intensity of the conflict or match each others attack with a counter attack. I do this personally in my own relationship. If my fiance says something hurtful I come right back and say something I think is of the same level of hurtfulness and the cvcle continues. Moving on the next level of communication patterns in conflict is symmetrical withdrawal, this means that when conflict occurs, neither partner is willing to confront the other. Thus, one person's move away is reciprocated by the others move away. I cannot speak of this from experience however I can say that the idea seems logical to some degree in that it shows again the thought process a person goes through in life. Meaning, when ever you feel like something is pulling away from you, you tend to pull away also thinking that your being clever, when in fact it is the most ineffective course of action to take unless it works and causes the person to react towards you. This leads us into the next communication pattern, pursuit-withdrawal/withdrawal-pursuit and for space sake there is really only one thing I have to say to explain this, "don't turn your back to me when I'm talking to you."

Conflicts are a tricky subject to write about in specifics because there are so many different types and ways to think about. Conflict management is a hard part of life we all have to deal with and everyone has had or is going to have a conflict at some point in time. You could arguably say that when a baby is first born they are having a conflict with their environment around them it being new and foregin. Conflicts have made and broken countries, empires, relationships, people, and more. And I believe if it weren't for conflicts the world would be too boring. Conflict is something we all face in life, whether it is with a spouse, family member, friend, co-worker, animal, your-self, or with a boss. Conflict deals with hardship, power, control, culture, and societies as a whole.

Works cited

1. Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict Resolution. Nov. 28, 2006. http://www.ic.org/nica/Process/Relation.html

2. Pearson A&B. 2005. The Interpersonal Communication Book. Nov. 28, 2006. http://wps.ablongman.com/ab_devito_intrprsnl_10/0,7393,603625-,00.html

3. Collins, Randall (1975). Conflict Sociology: Toward an Explanatory Science. Academics Press

4. Crow, Mandy. July 9^th 2002. Conflict Is A Certainty, But It Isn't Always Bad. Dec. 3, 2006. http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=13789

5. Dealing With Conflict. Dec. 3, 2006. http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict_resolution.htm

6. Haig, D. (2004). "The inexorable rise of gender and the decline of sex: social change in academic titles, 1945-2001." Archives of Sexual Behavior this onw was wikiped too erase this gender

7. Culture. Dec. 3, 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture#Defining_.22culture.22
Bibliography

1. Conflict Escalation and Conflict Reduction in an International Crisis: Suez, 1956. Edward E. Azar. Journal of Conflict Resolution, Vol. 16, No. 2, Research Perspectives on the Arab-Israeli Conflict: A Symposium (Jun., 1972), pp. 183-201

Over a period of time two nations establish between them an interaction range which they perceive as "normal." This normal relations range (on a scale from very friendly to very hostile) tends to incorporate most of a dyad's interactions and is bound by upper and lower critical thresholds. Conflict escalation is the movement to above the upper critical threshold, and conflict reduction is the return to below that threshold.

2. Nadig, Larry. Dec 3, 2006. Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy. http://www.drnadig.com/conflict.htm

Overall the website was discussing how to help your relationship. It showed what to do and what not to do to ensure that you have a healthy stable relationship.

3. Meers, inc. Dec. 3, 2006. Managing Marital and Relationship Conflicts. http://www.meersinc.com/articles/manage_conflict.html

This webpage was more of a webpage explaining how Meers, inc. works to solve relationships. However, I did get some basic knowledge on what to do.

4. Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict Resolution. Nov. 28, 2006. http://www.ic.org/nica/Process/Relation.html

This page was more broad discussing all aspects of relationships and conflict. Anything from getting to know yourself to not talking about other people behind their backs.

5. Pearson A&B. 2005. The Interpersonal Communication Book. Nov. 28, 2006. http://wps.ablongman.com/ab_devito_intrprsnl_10/0,7393,603625-,00.html

This page examined interpersonal conflict, one possible model to follow in trying to resolve conflicts, and some of the popular productive and unproductive conflict strategies.

6. Collins, Randall (1975). Conflict Sociology: Toward an Explanatory Science. Academics Press

This was a passage used from a wikipedia website on conflicts. It examined all aspects of conflicts in every form and the definition.

7. Crow, Mandy. July 9^th 2002. Conflict Is A Certainty, But It Isn't Always Bad. Dec. 3, 2006. http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=13789

This article was mainly religious talking about how non communicated conflicts work out in the end. They ultimately make you closer to god.

8. Dealing With Conflict. Dec. 3, 2006. http://www.girlshealth.gov/relationships/conflict_resolution.htm

This article was more of a pamphlet on how teen girls should handle conflict in school. Also the webpage was a government site.

9. Haig, D. (2004). "The inexorable rise of gender and the decline of sex: social change in academic titles, 1945-2001." Archives of Sexual Behavior

This was a passage used from a wikipedia website on gender. It examined all aspects of gender in every form and the definition.

10. Culture. Dec. 3, 2006. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture#Defining_.22culture.22

This was a passage used from a wikipedia website on culture. It examined all aspects of culture in every form and the definition.