Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a part of life. It is our differences rubbing together within the space we share and it is how we deal with these differences, how we choose to respond to conflict, that shapes its outcome. Conflict resolution (C.R.) is not about therapy or dealing with past issues; rather, it is a method of dealing with problems in the present as they occur. When approaching an issue of C.R. one must stay present and ask "what is the problem now and how are we going to solve it?"

The first step to C.R. is listening of which there are three major categories: listening for facts or information (listening with ones head), listening with feeling (listening with ones heart), and listening with intuition (listening with ones gut). When listening it is important to maintain eye contact, to be patient, to present positive body language, and to actively participate by asking questions and clarifying. It is important not to fall into slumps of interruption, offering advice, day dreaming, sharing your own story, and judgment as these can be seen as signs of not participating fully in the act of hearing.

But how do we know when to approach a conflict and when to let it be? C.R. is an essential tool to use within relationships that we wish to, or need to, continue. Cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien invites us to apply her 24/3/7 rule: Can we live with the conflict for twenty four hours? Can we live with it in three days? Can we live with it for a week? If the answer is no, I cannot live with this conflict 24/3/7, then C.R. is needed.

C.R. starts by say what you mean, do what you say, and say what's so when it's so are the main principals behind being an effective communicator. The use of I statements takes the heat off of the reciprocating partner whereas you statements could place them on the defensive. It is important to keep your conversation on the same physical level as your partner as talking over them can be perceived as intimidation.

In my personal life I use the skills associated C.R. only when backed into a wall. My personal confrontation style contains many colored words, rude hand gestures, and more swearing. Professionally, when not overcome with flight, I use C.R. with a direct assertiveness that often leaves little room for me to hear how the my partner(s) are receiving me. As a student of Transpersonal Psychology, the tools offered in C.R. are congruent with the Gestalt awareness of presence and dealing with the now. But these are professional, and in my personal life, I seek to sharpen my "I statements." How will you use conflict resolution?