Conflicts with Stepchildren: What You Don't Know

Issues that involve stepchildren are seen as a very controversial topic between couples. Many times it remains ignored. It brings up hidden resentments which is difficult to discuss openly with your spouse. You do not want to criticize your partner with their child rearing.

Do you know that conflicts with your stepchildren, if bottled up, can bring about a grudge against your spouse? If it remains unresolved, it can lead to unexplained sadness. It will eventually lead to clinical depression if you are at risk. It will lead to a slow, spiral decline in your romantic relationship with your spouse.

The 20 Most Common Conflicts with Stepchildren

The Oregon Center for Applied Science, Inc. (Orcas) explores the common conflicts that stepparents experience with their stepchildren.

1. angry outbursts

2. choice of friends

3. fighting with siblings or step-siblings

4. rejection of step-siblings

5. adjustment to step-family

6. daily routines

7. not doing chores

8. sasses or talks back

9. slipping or falling grades

10. argues about rules

11. homework or school

12. disregarding house rules

13. acceptance of stepparents

14. breaking curfew or coming home late

15. whining or pouting

16. cooperation

17. withdrawal or pulling away from social activities

18. use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs

19. lying

20. lack of Interest in your faith

How Stepparents Deal with Stepchildren Issues

Misbehavior is a universal trait of children. How you deal with it is the adult issue. Analyze your ways to deal with the misbehaviors of your stepchildren. On the following questions, you will find yourself on the extreme side of the spectrum, sometimes in the middle, and sometimes on the other end.

Do you raise your voice and yell or do you speak calmly to your stepchild?

Do you go into a long arguments or do you cut it short?

Do you handle misbehaviors without getting upset? Or do you get so frustrated and angry that your child sees you're upset?

How Stepparents React to Stepchildren Conflicts

Just like any household, the conflicts listed above are very common problems. Children do these at one point in their lives. Again, your reaction to these conflicts is critical. You want to evaluate your reactions if they are severe enough to create a need for counseling and therapy.

When you give a fair threat or warning to your stepchildren, do you always do what you say? Or do you often times don't even bother to carry it out?

When you are upset or under stress, are you picky and on your child's back?

When your stepchild does something you don't like, do you do something about it every time it happens? Or do you often let it go?

Do you insult them, say mean things or call them names?

When there is a problem, do you let things build up? Do you do things you don't mean to? Do you not let things get out of hand?

When your stepchild doesn't do what you asked, do you often let it go and end up doing it yourself? Or do you take some other action?

If saying "no" doesn't work, do you offer something nice so they will behave?

When you say that your stepchild can't do something do you let your child do it anyway or do you stick to what you said?

Why Do Stepchildren Create So Much Havoc

Children of broken marriages have poor sense on what irks their stepparents. They were harnessing their survival skills of dealing with pain during the various stages of the divorce of their parents. They were busy coping with the pain of separation from their friends and relatives. They did not know how to process their inner disturbances.

Any parent can tell you that the above 20 conflicts with stepchildren are the same conflicts you experience with your own biological children. The difference is the time factor. There is history between you and your biological children. You were there when they were born in this world. Thus, you and your children have enough time for trial and error on what works or not. You have those years to understand what gets on the nerves of your children and the right mix to calm them down.

What you do not know is there is something that you are giving your children that probably you have not realized yet. It is called "unconditional love". Unconditional love is giving love when the other person is not willing or able to reciprocate with the same intense emotions. It is about nurturing another human being when that person is unable to take care of you in return. It is the love chiseled in every parent's heart on their own flesh and blood. It is the same kind of love that drives a couple to adopt children not their own. It is the same love that you are willing to give your current spouse or the person you will marry soon.

Conclusion

When a blended family forms, discontentment is a necessary evil in the early stages. Do not be disheartened about your ideals of harmony and peace and dream family. There is no other remedy for discontentment but the overflowing unconditional love of stepparents to their stepchildren. It is the only decision you will ever have to make when you put on the shoes of a stepparent. Happiness and unity will only materialize if that decision to give unconditional love remains unwavering throughout your stepchildren's lives.

The Center for Stepfamily Development stated in their Books section, "Do you know what is common with Buddha, John Audubon, Clark Gable, Jane and Peter Fonda, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah, Duchess of York and President Abraham Lincoln? They have stepmothers they adored."

"Do you know what is common with President Gerald Ford, his wife, Betty Ford, Nancy Reagan, Erma Bombeck, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, and Shaquille O'Neal. They have stepfathers they claim to have positive influence in their lives."

If it wasn't for the unconditional love of St. Joseph, the father of Jesus on earth, Jesus would not have been able fulfill His mission in this world. In the same way, stepparents have an important role to give the nurturing that will allow their stepchildren to follow and reach their dreams.

Sources:

Sherry A. Wells, "Warm and Wonderful Stepmothers of Famous People"
Rusty Hancock, "Dedicated Dads: Stepfathers of Famous People"
Center for Stepfamily Development, Stepfamilyhelp.com
"The Stepfamily Research Survey", The Oregon Center for Applied Science Inc.