Confucius He Say Who Cares

'It's a cookery programme,' she said. 'Find the country's favourite recipe.'

I've often thought I'd be good on television, being naturally funny, and also as a magician, I'm able to chuck in an amusing trick or two, which wouldn't hurt. Not being able to cook, on the other hand, might be a bit of a drawback.

I do cook, but just for myself; mostly because no-one else would eat it. My cooking is fairly exotic; a combination of cultures, you might say. Spaghetti Chow Mein, is one of my favourites. A mixture of Latin cuisine and the Orient. Trouble is, it's also a mixture of pasta and a packet of Knorr, just add water, heat and stir. Not the sort of thing to get the taste buds of the country excited.

Perhaps, not having an oven or hob is limiting my culinary skills somewhat. I make do with an electric wok and a microwave. When it comes to steaming I am an expert. You should see me stacking the bamboo steamers with chicken and mushrooms and, maybe, if I can stand the excitement, string beans. The rice goes in the microwave with a few peas and a drop or two of Soy Sauce. You don't get this sort of thing outside of China. Nor inside, I imagine.

Yes, but is it good television, you ask? Will it hold the nation riveted to their screens as they wonder if Ian's rice will have nicely separated grains or will it be one sticky lump plonked on the plate. With some dodgy-looking vegetables?

Actually, I have trouble with the electric wok. It's a bit old now and the connection isn't too good. I have to wiggle it around and mostly up and down before the little orange light goes on to say it's working. When I return twenty minutes later, I find the light is out and I don't know how long it's been like that. A good test is to dip your finger in the water. If I hear an involuntary scream of pain, I know the light's only just gone out and, when the blister has formed, I can eat. On the other hand - the one without the blister - if the water is cold, I know the thing turned itself off as soon as I turned my back and I have another twenty minutes to wait.

Meanwhile the microwave is pinging away to let me know that the rice is done, and how am I going to keep it hot, or at least warm, for the next twenty minutes while I wait for the chicken?

The answer is to put the rice in a bowl on top of a plate and the whole lot is balanced on the two tiers of bamboo steamer in the wok. A good balancing act that would, I dare say, interest the television people. Viewers at home could now be entranced by the possibility of the whole lot suddenly slipping over and crashing to the studio floor.

I would imagine this would be first-rate television. On the other hand, perhaps no-one would be watching by then.

If a bamboo steamer falls in an empty TV studio when no-one is watching, does it make a sound?

Confucius he say, Who cares? And I must say I agree with him.