Conservative Christian's Answer to Gay Animated Cartoons -- Take No Prisoners!

LOS ANGELES, CA --- Fed up with the mainstream media's promoting homosexuality among young children through kids videos and cartoon characters, conservative Christians have come up with their own children's cartoon hero: Elijah BiblePants.

Elijah BiblePants is a far cry from those main stream programs conservative Christians claim promote gay characters such as SpongeBob Squarepants, Bob The Builder, and Barney. Where these personas are always cheerful, never lose their temper and encourage children to use their "imagination", Elijah BiblePants! creator Chad Jackson says Elijah is dour, angry, and "strictly literalist". When he says, "buy the book" - he means the Bible and nothing else.

Jackson, whose Biblical comic tracts promising eternal damnation can be found in laundrymats, bowling allies and subway cars, says his new cartoon character may somewhat resemble SpongeBob -- but that's only as far as looks are concerned.

"I promise you, there is nothing gay or otherwise filthy about Elijah BiblePants," he said. "Elijah is not happy, and he is not friendly! Because when it's a matter of everlasting Hellfire, you've got nothing to be friendly about."

Elijah BiblePants is inspired by Second Kings 2:23-24. In that passage, the prophet Elijah invokes the Lord and curses a throng of children who have teased him because of his baldness. As a result, a group of enraged bears charges out of the woods, tearing to pieces forty-two of the insolent brats. Such dramatic measures, particularly in kid-enticing animated cartoons are certain to aid with conversion, not to mention decreasing truancy.

The hero of this new Christian cartoon series delivers moving Hellfire and brimstone sermons. He also organizes book burnings and public stonings of homosexuals, adulterers, and heretics. He bears a huge bible that even Moses would envy.

But mainstream media have shied away from airing the program.

"Elijah BiblePants is a sordid orgy of violence and hatred," one network executive said, pale and visibly shaken. "Certainly not appropriate for children. Some of the things I saw on that kids' video ... I don't think I will ever get them out of my head."

Jackson admits that his uncompromising children's cartoon has been a tough sell even among conservative Christian broadcasters.

Said Sherman Marcus, CEO of The JesusChannelNetwork, "When we choose programming for young kids, say, ages 2-11, we look for stuff that is more along the lines of, say, Veggie Tales. You know good, healthy food teaching good, healthy lessons about, say, Christian values. While we do acknowledge that homosexuality is sinful, we don't think that graphic depictions of violence against, say, homosexuals are something that children ought to be exposed to."

Jackson disagrees.

"Yeah, I'm sure the cartoon characters like those in Veggie Tales stands a chance of competing with shows like Barney and South Park," he said, smirking. Knowing Mr. Jackson, he'd just as soon serve the veggies in stir fry along with grace than have them on TV.