Conservative History 101

Okay, okay, so it all began 6000 years ago when God created the Garden of Eden, a perfect world free of government, taxes, unions and environmental regulations. He made Adam then took one of his ribs to make Eve. That's how today you can tell a real man from a gay one by the missing rib.

Since God neglected to create two Gardens, He let His proscription against incest slide for several hundred years while Adam and his close offspring propagated the earth. Then the broad screwed it up and God shut down Paradise.

The next we know He has Noah building an ark saving all hundred gazillion species existing today since obviously they couldn't have just evolved. Geesh! Anyway, it was a big ark. Fortunately no dinosaurs showed up so people would no longer have to coexist with them after the flood. Sorry to say the unicorns also missed the boat and were most likely eaten by the dinosaurs.

A few thousand years later, God sent His Son to save mankind. One of His apostles asked: "What would Jesus do in the 2011 U.S. budget debate?" Jesus replied, "listen to Ayn Rand."

After that nothing of significance happened anywhere in the world outside Western Europe until the night of April 18, 1775 when silversmith Paul Revere rode through Boston ringing his bells to warn the British the Americans are coming! the Americans are coming!...after them.

This so inspired the Founding Fathers they declared "all men and zygotes are created equal with certain un-alien rights of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Obscene Profits."

Then they wrote the Constitution which reads in full: "We the people, in order to provide for the common defense, do ordain and establish the right to keep and bear arms and reserve to the States or to the people all powers not delegated to the socialists in Washington." There are some other passages, Amendments and interpretations but they were added by the atheist Thomas Jefferson and later by the godless Supreme Court and don't count.

So then what? Let see, Manifest Destiny, Christianize the savages, War of Southern Repression, Gilded Age, thump the Huns, thump the Huns again, country goes to hell in a liberal hand basket and Morning in America during which time Ronald Reagan single-handedly defeats Communism while channeling Adam Smith.

Time flies. Suddenly, on the morning of January 20, 2009, clouds cover the earth, ash rains down, crops fail, oceans rise -- nix that last one, sounds too much like global warming -- and woodland creatures scatter in fear.

The free market economy providing only high paying jobs to every American who wants one crashes overnight. The nation's negligible debt becomes unsustainable instantly. Government corruption, incompetence and waste spring from nowhere.

The anti-Christ has arrived.