Consistency in Parenting

Have you ever told your children that they would be grounded for certain behavior and then decided that whatever they did was not that bad and changed your mind about grounding them? How about having set rules for doing homework before watching television or going out with friends but allowing homework to go undone for whatever your child wants to do instead?

Many parents think that they can set down the rules of the house and their children will follow those rules without hesitation.. Realistic parents know that even the most well behaved children will commit at least minor infractions of the house rules, knowing it is a normal action for kids to push the boundaries from time to time. Some parents see any infraction of the house rules as something intolerable and, at times, tend to over-react, which leads to guilt or over indulgence.

Consistency is one of the most valuable parenting tools we have. If we, as responsible parents, tell our children that certain behavior is unacceptable, we need to follow up accordingly instead of changing the rules on the spur of the moment. Consistency allows our children to know exactly what the rules are and what we expect of them which gives our children a firm grasp on what type of reaction will result from their behavior.

People are creatures of habit and our habits are formed at a very young age. If we are firm in our decisions as our children grow then they learn from our example and respond with the same steadfast outlook. A good example would be the homework issue. If a child knows that there will be no television, no play time and no outings with their friends before their homework gets done they are more likely to do it without incident. When a child knows that the rules for homework can be bent, or even broken, then homework is not necessarily something they have to pay attention to. Some would ask, "how will I know if they have finished?". A responsible parent would be involved with their children to the point of checking their homework when they are done. If it is not done correctly you should discuss it with your child to let them know what needs to be corrected. Some parents do part of their child's homework, give them the correct answers or avoid the homework issue altogether. When we allow our children to squirm out of doing their own homework we are, in fact, doing them more harm than good and they will learn that they can be irresponsible when they choose. What may seem like harmless behavior on our part by doing part of our child's homework is actually teaching our kids to be irresponsible and showing them that we do not place much value on the rules that we set forth. If we do not place any value on the rules, what motivation are we giving our kids to follow rules?

Our children need structure and that needs to start when they are very young. Teaching our children what is acceptable and what is not acceptable is a good thing but it is not enough. We need to show our children that our actions and reactions will be consistent. Trends have shown that parents are less likely to discipline their children than we used to be and that accounts for many kids having little structure in their everyday lives. Consistency is, in fact, a form of discipline and it may be the most simple form of discipline. It is the best way to teach our children to be true to their word instead of the "do as I say, not as I do" type of life.

Do you teach your children to be respectful to others? If so, have you ever disrespected someone else in front of your child? Have you children ever found out indirectly that you have done so? If the answer is no, I applaud you. If your answer is "yes", then you must ask yourself what lessons you are teaching your kids. Are you being consistent in your teachings that respect is important or are you letting your kids know that respect is not a big deal? To be consistent with our children means being consistent ourselves and holding true to our values and beliefs. We can not realistically hold our children, or anyone else for that matter, accountable if we do not hold ourselves accountable as well.

Parents can not effectively lead by example if their children are not sure whether or not what they say is truly how it is. The lack of consistency within a home can give the impression that there is indecision, or worse, dishonesty.

If your child is out with friends and they are running late to the point that your child will be late getting home, would you expect your child to call and let you know that they will be late? If you are going to be late getting home from work, do you call home to let everyone know what is going on? If your answer is "no" you have a problem. Our children will be more likely to inform their parents of what is happening with them if we show them that we are more than willing to do the same. When we give our children the belief that we do not expect something from them that we are not willing to do ourselves, the results are likely to be more productive than not.

We have a second big decision to make when we decide to be parents. We can either start our children out with structure in their lives by being consistent or we can close our eyes and hope for the best.

Indulging the wants and whims of our children, in essence, means allowing them to be part time parents by deciding what they want is the best thing for them. It is very likely that by doing so we make life more difficult for them to deal with as an adult.

Our children along with everyone else around us will find us more reliable and worthy of trust if we are consistent with our actions and decisions.

The consistency issue is one that I struggled with as a child, both at home and in foster care. There are very few in the field of psychology who would disagree. The perspective on consistency in parenting is one I developed as a child and tried to live by as a parent.