Consistency, Speed Are Key in Dealing with a Defiant Child

In my opinion, there is nothing more aggravating than a defiant child who is bent on having their way no matter what. In this world, defiance is seen by some as a behavioral trait to be esteemed and respected. In fact, defiance was what started the United States back in 1776. It seems that defiance is a part of who we are as humans.

That's all well and good for revolutionaries and other people's kids, but not for me and my children. I would just like to have a home where my children love and respect me and my spouse. A home where anger, fear, and frustration make spending time with my family a real chore rathe than a time of peace and love. Maybe that's just too much to ask for in this world.

I have been in homes with families that appear to get along pretty well with one another. Oh sure, even those families have their moments and problems with relationships, I know that. But even them those nearly perfect families seem to have some way that they have discovered to make the family dynamic work for them. Their kids aren't openly defiant to their parents. So what is that secret? How does a family learn to work together, play together, and respect one another? How does one deal with a defiant child? Here are a few ideas that you may find helpful.

Defiance Can Be Met With Empathy - Sometimes

This is always my first approach when one of my kids is acting out or being openly defiant. I really want to know if there is something beyond what I am seeing right in front of me. Something else in a child's life may be causing them to act out and be defiant. Perhaps problems at school, a bully, some difficulty with a teacher, or something the child is dealing with and may be afraid or hesitant to share with me, as a parent.

With my kids, the thing behind the defiance may be something as simple as their perception of not getting enough of your attention, maybe I have been busy with other things and have been spending very little time with them. Sometimes it can be some sort of frustration perhaps caused by the child's particular stage of development. Think about how frustrating it is for a child to make the transition from diapers to going on the potty by himself. That's tough for a toddler. Let your child know that you care about how they feel at the moment, that you really do understand how they feel about something.

Removal From the Situation or Environment as Discipline

Sometimes empathy works for a child, and sometimes it doesn't. On to phase two of the parenting challenge to deal with a defiant child. Remove the defiant child from the current surroundings or situation. With young children, this is especially valuable because you can still physically pick them up and take them away from the activity or situation, thereby creating an immediate consequence for their behavior. Immediate and complete removal.

This is simple, no-nonsense method of discipline that really works even with older children. It's all in the way you present yourself and how you deal with your child. If you're a waffler who rarely follows through with a consequence for your child's behavior, they're going to know this and respond accordingly. Remember to never make a threat that you cannot deliver on. Parents who do not follow through with appropriate consequences for unacceptable behavior will never be respected by their own kids, and will become essentially ineffective.

There's No Instruction Manual for Kids

Sadly, children do not come with an instruction book or operator's manual, but one book may actually come pretty close. Author and Yale University professor Alan Kazdin has taken his 30 years of scientific research with children and put it into a sort of step-by-step guide for parents dealing with defiant children. The book is titled, "The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child' and it's actually pretty good.

Kazdin's extensive research on human behavior and the behavior of children i based on what Kazdin calls good science. Kazdin says he does not offer "impressionistic beliefs or unsupported opinions about childhood." In the book, he spends some of his time talking about the basic principles that underlie his particular approach, but most of the time Kazdin offers his advice on what to do and how to do it when dealing with a defiant child.

If you have read this far, there is indeed hope for your family. There is a way for you to be the parent you need to be for your children. It's simply a matter of educating yourself on the best ways to handle your particular children. And fortunately for all of us, the best methods of dealing with children are grounded in common sense.

Above all, act decisively, consistently, and quickly in whatever you do. Kids respect that leadership quality in a parent. Take a look at Kazdin's book, or just pick up any reputable parenting book. Decide what method is best for your particular situation and keep trying. Parenting is all about not giving up, especially when dealing with a defiant child.

Sources:

Parenting.com; Dealing With Defiance

ABCNews.com; How to Disciplins a Defiant Child