Control Your Anger to Avoid Self-Sabotage

Anger is such a powerful emotion. And it can lead to so many unusual behaviors, and is handled, many times, so differently by each individual. How someone controls (or doesn't control) their own behavior caused by their own anger indicates a lot about that person's emotional health--at least for that period of time. People frequently give in to destructive behavior when angry, which can lead to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage usually occurs because of an overwhelming desire for revenge. But anger does not have to lead to destructive behaviors. Most people can change how they handle this volatile emotion we call anger.

In recent news, an employee in Jacksonville, Florida deleted millions of dollars worth of files from her employer. The woman in the news story had seen an ad in the paper that looked like her position. She concluded that she was about to be fired and decided, based on that assumption, to take revenge upon the company by deleting a lot of important files.

Now she has lost her job, faces a potential prison sentence and it was all for nothing. The job posted was not for her position. She was not going to be fired.

This is a perfect example of a person whose lack of anger control ends up hurting them in the end much more than the other individual. And yet, despite the typical bad consequences of revenge, many people still follow that route when angry.

Seeking revenge when someone has wronged us (an imaginary or real case of "wronged") is, it seems, acknowledged as normal. While it may be a normal feeling to desire revenge, it is often a very bad idea to act on that feeling.

If the woman had simply investigated, and controlled the anger, she would have found out the truth-that the ad was not for her position and her employer had not planned on firing her.

Between the initial anger at seeing the ad and the act of creeping into the firm to delete the files, there was plenty of time for this woman to take control of her angry feelings and choose a less destructive path. But for reasons only she knows, she chose not to.

This story of revenge reminded me of an example much less serious but much closer to me. When I was much younger and not very emotionally mature I met someone (I will call this person H) at a party and developed a very brief relationship with this person. I considered it just a fling, but to H it meant a lot more.
When I was honest and told H it was just a fling for me, H was understandably angry. I did expect harsh words and disappointment. What I did not expect, however, was any element of revenge. I was naive.

I had loaned several movies and music items to H over the short course of the relationship. After the very short-term relationship ended, H confessed to me, "You are lucky I did not destroy all of those tapes, H said. I was tempted to just burn them all after I found out the truth ."

This struck me as so odd because even when I am very angry with someone I don't think of taking it out on someone's property. Don't get me wrong. I completely understand why H was so angry. Also, I am not a saint. How I deal with anger is different from this, but that doesn't mean my way is better.

However, when I discovered what H had almost done, and that H's first thoughts had been revenge, do you think I thought: "Wow-H must have really liked me. This is true love expressed here. I'm a real idiot to let that one go."?

No. What I thought was: "H is apparently a raving lunatic. Thank goodness I got out of that one when I did."

And, by the way, if you are thinking this is a class issue, you are wrong. H was a very well-educated professional.

These people don't seem to be in the minority when it comes to channeling anger towards innocent property.

A popular song by Carrie Underwood called "Before He Cheats" describes a scorned woman vandalizing a man's car because he is cheating on her.

Whenever I hear that song I am puzzled that it is such a popular song (not because she isn't a great singer--she is). Destroying someone's property almost always ends up hurting the one doing the destroying and, therefore, makes no sense to me. I wonder how common the sentiment expressed in the song is.

In real life what does that kind of revenge get you? Does it make him realize what a jerk he is? No. Very likely it would not. In real life what would happen is:

1. You would get arrested for destruction of personal property

2. The guy would just chalk your weird behavior up to "she is a lunatic"

No one wins in this situation. He or she goes on their merry way and you've just given them a good reason to think poorly of you. And you can be arrested. And you can be sued.

Perhaps this song, and songs like it, are simply ways to disperse the angry feelings without actually acting on them. Singing a song about revenge, or listening to a song about revenge is, of course, much different from acting out revenge.

I am not saying I don't understand the desire for revenge. I do. I've had strong feelings of desiring revenge too. I can especially understand the desire to take revenge on the scum of society -to take revenge on the child molesters, rapists, and psychopathic killers. I can fully understand why someone would risk harm to their own life in order to make the lives of these kinds of people miserable. These are much different--much more "justifiable"-- situations, however.

What I don't understand is when someone like the Jacksonville woman takes such extraordinary measures to exact revenge upon an employer. Is something like that worth risking prison time? No.

How can a person learn to control anger so that they don't sabotage their life?

I think the answer to that question varies. I will tell you what has helped me.

You have to have a true desire to change.

When I was growing up, I saw how badly uncontrolled anger (mine or anyone else's) could hurt others and how destructive that could be. It made a big impression on me. As I grew older, I resolved to learn new, better ways of dealing with the powerful emotion of anger, and I am still learning. It is a long process that requires dedication.

Along the way I learned (the hard way) that allowing anger to fuel actions without thought makes a situation explode into a far greater tragedy than it originally was. This doesn't mean I don't still get angry and do (or say) stupid things as a result of unchecked anger. But it does mean that, in the interest of self-preservation and concern for people I care about, I try very hard to pull the reins in on myself before making an already difficult situation worse.

You must have the patience and willpower to enact the change.

Learning to control anger takes time, patience, self awareness, and a strong desire not to sabotage oneself. If you secretly hate yourself, it will take you longer to learn to control your anger. Self-sabotage through uncontrolled anger is one typical, subconscious, way a person harms their life.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It really is. All of the physiological changes that occur when we are angry prepare us to fight stronger, harder and to be, temporarily, somewhat immune to pain. Unfortunately, the same physiological changes-- the fight or flight syndrome--occur no matter what causes the anger. Whether anger is triggered by words or by something more serious, the physiological response can be the same. Developing the ability to control our behavior when our whole body is ready to fight or flee can be one of the most difficult, yet one of the most important, things we ever learn.

You must develop more self-awareness.

The first step is awareness that self-sabotage can be prevented. The second step is awareness of your mental and physical state when you are angry. This awareness will help you train yourself to stop and step away before it is too late. Long term habits are difficult to break; the way we behave when we are angry is, in large part, a habit that has been strengthened over time.

To gain the self-awareness, which will help you break self-destructive anger habits, you can ask yourself the following questions:

What sets me off?

What are the signs that I am about to react in a destructive way?

Which road am I going to take? Am I going to take the road that gives me temporary satisfaction but may mean more pain later, a prison sentence, an end of a relationship, or worse? Or am I going to practice control?

Behavior does not usually change overnight. However, each step you take in recognizing self-sabotage and preventing it is a step towards more positive control over yourself and your life. The desire for revenge may or may not be normal. What matters is that we are aware of the costs of our behavior, and that we are aware that there is usually a better way.