Control is Not Love: Young Women and Relationships

Do you remember your first serious relationship? Maybe it was a high school romance or a college relationship. There's nothing like falling in love and enjoying a new person in your life. Sometimes it is hard to really read a person in the early days. Everyone is on their best behavior, of course wanting to make a good first impression.

As you become involved with this new person, you begin to know their likes and dislikes. You begin to realize how they feel about certain things. We all are individual in our personalities. That helps to define the person we are. Sometimes so discreetly, you may find the other person, that you believe is very special, begins to place demands on the relationship.

These demands could be in the form of wanting to know where you are every night, what you wore, who you spoke to, etc... These demands could also be in the form of asking you to not visit your family or friends. It may be that talking on the phone also becomes an issue.

Young, impressionable girls who may find themselves in love, will most likely view this as a loving relationship. They may think the person they are involved in really loves and cares about them. They may assume that the person they are involved with loves them so much that they want to protect and watch over them. For gals who never really had a good supportive relationship with their own father may mistakenly think this new "man" in their life is wonderful, and accept this behavior because they have never experienced a positive male relationship in their life.

It is the duty and responsibility of all older, more experienced women to guide these younger gals in the right direction. We must impress upon them that this is not love! This is a cycle that will repeat itself over and over until it could very well become abusive. It seldom improves. This has nothing to do with the girl. It is a cycle of insecurity in the male. His power comes from the control he allowed to hold over the girl's head. The more he is able to do it the more he will do it.

At some point when the girl realizes that the union is becoming suffocating, she may try to end it and leave him. At that point it can escalate his behavior. She must be helped by family members and friends. So much of this depends on whether or not she has told anyone. Her life can be in serious trouble and danger.

If you are a friend reading this article and have someone you know who is in a volatile situation such as this, they must get help from family and their local police department if they are fearing for their life. You as their friend may feel that you don't want to be the one to tattle to their parents. You must tell them so they have a chance to help. If you are still wavering on this, assume how bad you would feel if something tragic happened and you did nothing.

If you are a parent reading this, maybe you already have a feeling that something is amiss in the relationship. Does your daughter seem secretive about it? Does she talk complimentary about this new person in her life? Does he stop by your house and visit, or does he stay away? Do you ever witness unexplained crying, or see bruises? Trust your gut on this one.

If you believe there may be an issue of control and abuse, try to approach your daughter in a loving, caring way. Try to not speak in a judgmental way or accuse her of making bad choices. If you also have a chance to speak to her friends, you may find they have the same concerns.

This lesson needs to begin early. So many times these boyfriends become husbands and the life of control and abuse continues.