Controlling People: An Important Self-help Book by Patricia Evans

Is there someone in your life who insists that he (or she) knows you better than you know yourself-- that he has some kind of "inside view" on what your thoughts, feelings and motives really are? Is there someone in your life who insists that if you disagree with his viewpoints you are wrong, or just not ready to see "the truth"? Is there someone in your life who claims you should not trust your own judgment, but instead should rely on his? If so, purchase and read CONTROLLING PEOPLE by Patricia Evans-- it could very well be the smartest move you can make.

In this book, Ms. Evans, who also authored The Verbally-Abusive Relationship, clearly describes Controllers-- who and what they are, how they became that way, and what you should do if you find yourself being dominated, manipulated, and undermined by one. It is essential, for the sake of your own peace-of-mind and self-esteem, to break the hold a Controller has on you and on your life-- and Ms. Evans guides you, step by step, in how to do it.

Ms. Evans describes a Controller as being "under a spell"-- an illusion, or, more accurately, a delusion, that he "has access to your personal reality, and know more about you than you know about yourself." (from Chapter 8). Operating as a true-to-form co-dependent, he is under the illusion that he knows "what you think... what you are trying to do... what you have done... what you mean... what you should do... what you should be... what you want... what you need... what you feel... what you intend... what you expect." (from Chapter 8).

The point of a Controller: in refusing to acknowledge the basic facts that a) he does not "know" any of these things; and b) in being delusional enough to be able to disregard that fact, feeling able to dismiss who you really are and "build" you into the "image" that he wants you to be.

Ms. Evans discusses how a Controller becomes the way he is-- that in never learning how to acknowledge himself, he is essentially "built backwards;" and as he cannot adequately define himself, he learns instead how to "define others" by claiming that they are unable to truly know themselves. Controllers do not want "the real you;" they want the image they have formed in their own minds-- a non-person whom Ms. Evans calls "Teddy": a non-person who is submissive, compliant, and, above all, shows no resistance and no sign of being a separate, whole human being. To paraphrase an old song, "he cannot even run his own life, so he will try to run yours."

While it would appear logical that for someone to tell another person how you feel, what you think, what your motives are, is nothing short of arrogant and oppressive, breaking free from a Controller is difficult primarily because he has "down pat" a system of rationalizing and justifying himself and his behavior. Harder yet is if he pulls others into his "game," as Ms. Evans describes in Chapter 22-- "bonding" others to him and against you. The more isolated you may become from "witnesses" who can see the situation for what it is and know you as you truly are, the weaker a position you will be in from the alliance he has formed with people whom he has "convinced" that he and only he knows "the truth" about who and what you "really" are. It is difficult enough to attempt to defend yourself against a Controller-- but that difficulty is exacerbated when his "game" includes other people also.

Ms. Evans describes the Controller's delusions as "pretending"-- he is turning you into something which he has made up in his own mind. Needless to say, this is a situation which no one should be in; and if you see a Controller in your own life, and recognize the "Teddy" that his imagination has told him is who you really are, read Patricia Evans's book as soon as you possibly can-- the life you may save will be your own.