Controlling Relationships: Trying to Force Love (Instead of Allowing It)

Some of us really don't believe, deep down inside, that we're worthy of love. At the same time, we long for it. So if and when it does come into our lives, we try to hold it in a straightjacket so that it won't get away. We might give our partners subtle reminders that they'll never find anyone better - precisely because we're so afraid that they will. We might resort to guilt-tripping tactics, or other forms of manipulation too numerous to name. In the end, we wind up squelching the love that we'd tried so desperately to hold.

When we're convinced that we're not lovable just as we are, we're loath to allow our partners their freedom. Some other kind of leverage seems necessary to keep the relationship intact. If we give them too much free reign, they're bound to get away.

Or perhaps we take a very different approach, and try to be someone who we're not in order to attract and keep the intimacy that we're so convinced we don't deserve. This is a no-win scenario. Any relationships that we build up around such an act will have faulty foundations. They'll be based on our false, as opposed to our true, selves. From there, there's only two ways to go: the relationship will end when the other person sees through the façade, or it will continue and yet fail to satisfy us because we know that we aren't being accepted for who we really are.

The only way out of this trap is to uncover the reasons why we don't feel worthy in the first place. We draw a lot of conclusions, early on in life (particularly in childhood), that eventually crystallize into core beliefs. If we were rejected or abandoned back then, we'll likely be expecting the same thing to happen to us now - unless we've taken responsibility for the belief, questioned and discarded it. If we fail to do this, then our thoughts will always revolve around the core idea and find ways to justify it. People often will react negatively; but they're actually only mirroring our expectations, and responding to the signals we give them.

There's no way for us to cling to love - at least for long - if we don't feel that we deserve it. The key is not to try and force it to come and stay, but rather to make the space ready inside ourselves and then allow it in. Clinging always backfires because it's based on fear. On the other hand, if we can convince ourselves that we are lovable, intimacy comes naturally and does not need to (and indeed, cannot) be forced.