Controversy Swirls Around New Batch of Bible Archaeology Artifacts

Still reeling from the discord over the authenticity of the St. James Ossuary (a first century bone box purportedly containing the bones of the Apostle James), Biblical archaeologists have recently been challenged by a flurry of new finds. "If were are to maintain our credibility within both the scholarly and faith communities, we must maintain the highest standards of scientific method and historic provenance," said Hiram Philmore, curator of the Bible Lands Museum and Pro Wrestling Camp in Kissimmee, Florida. "And when experts can't agree, there's always a good choke hold."

Among the new artifacts that have come under scrutiny:

NOAH'S ARK MASSAGE CHAIR

Carefully excavated from three feet of crumbly loam near the base of Mt. Ararat, Turkey, hopeful Noah's Ark scholars instantly deemed this black-padded recliner with built-in "massaging fingers" a relic from the the deck of Noah's Ark. "The man had a lot of responsibility," points out researcher Anthony John, one of the chair's staunch proponents. "It's only natural to assume that God provided a place for him to relax during his many months afloat." Critics, however, point to a "Sharper Image" label found on the underside of the chair as proof-positive that the chair didn't belong to Noah. "I doubt Noah shopped at 'The Sharper Image,'" says one skeptic. "I understand he was an IKEA fan."

CONTENTS OF THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

As astonished as archaeologists were to hear of one Arkansas man's claim--that he had the Biblical Ark of the Covenant stored in his attic--they were doubly astounded by what he claims to have found inside the holy relic. "Two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, fresh as the day they were made," says Alvin Tuttle, a Little Rock odor elimination expert. Tuttle, who claims to have inherited the Ark from his great-grandfather, says the Ark has "just been sitting up there in the attic, gathering dust" for many years. "After I saw 'Raiders of the Lost Ark,' I wasn't too anxious to mess around with it," he explained. Things changed last month however, when Tuttle's wife began making a fuss about needing more room to store her Dept. 56 collection. "I decided, what the heck, let's pry 'er open and have a look." Tuttle claims the doughnuts he found inside were "soft and delicious." But they were all the original glazed--"not a creme-filled in the lot."

"It appears manna may not have been the only thing the Israelis had to look forward to in the desert," says Samuel Flannagan, a self-proclaimed Bible expert and procurer of the internet web site, BIBLE FINDS TODAY. "Whether this is the actual Ark, honestly I'm not so sure. It's nothing like I'd pictured it. The wheels are wobbly, and I'm suspicious of the racing stripe down the middle. But the doughnuts are real, there's no doubt about that. I may not be an ark expert, but I do know my Krispy Kremes!"

SIGNED PHOTO OF KING SOLOMON

Researchers are questioning the claims of a Minnesota man who says he owns what may be the only known autographed photo of the Biblical King Solomon. Dennis Hasty, of St. Paul, says he purchased the signed photo of the smiling Ruler on eBay for a "last-second sniper bid" of $25.01. "When I saw the inscription, I knew I had to have it. Look at it! It says, 'to David.' What are the odds!"

"Where do I begin?" says dismayed paper antiquities expert Jon Ingram. "Photography was all-but-unknown in the ancient Middle East, it's signed with a modern blue "Sharpie" marker and on top of that, historians are absolutely convinced Solomon used a secretary to sign all of his fan photos. It's an obvious forgery!"

"He's just jealous he didn't find it," Hasty counters. "I've got a 'Certificate of Authenticity' and everything. I only got it so cheap because the seller had it listed wrong. Instead of listing it with Biblical Wise Men, he had it in the Three Stooges category, under 'Wise Guys.'"

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