Conversation Between Jesus and God

For those who have missed it, here's what happened. After 2000 years (give or take a little), it has finally happened: Jesus is back on earth. He's stronger than ever, still hoping to save the world (but not in a Smallville style). In his first month, he's given interviews to almost every single magazine in the world, has appeared on all the major talk-shows, made his infomercial (one of the highest rated on prime time), in short, we all know it: the man is back!!! Here's a little conversation between him and his father I happened to pick up on (I'm not saying how, I need my sources....). Oh, for those who are interested, he lives in a small flat in New York, and has no pets.

Jesus: Hi, Dad.

God: What's up, son? (should that be Son with a capital S? Not too sure...) You don't look too good.

J: Did you see me on Oprah last night?

G: Of course I did, wouldn't have missed it for the world. You did a great job. A few jokes, got in all the things you wanted to say, made some good statements, the audience loved you. I think we're back on track.

J: Yeah, well, I'm not too sure about it. Did you read 'People' this morning?

G: Oh, that. I had sort of hoped you might have missed that one.

J: Have missed that one? How could I? The completely tore me apart.

G: Come on, Son, it wasn't that bad.

J: Not that bad? They called me a 2000 year old hippie, whose beard is sooo 2005, with outdated ideas and an outfit that wasn't even modern the first time I was around.

G: Actually, I meant to talk to you about that. Maybe we should work on your image a bit.

J: Come on, Dad. We both know why I am here. And we discussed this before. You're a great manager and all, but I don't feel comfortable appearing on all these shows.

G: Why not? You're doing great, and people start believing in you again.

J: You really think so? Then why do they ask me to walk on water every single time? And do the whole food trick over and over again? I'm a religious leader, for God's sake, not a circus artist. And sorry for the name calling, Dad, it just sort of slipped out.

G: That's ok. And we did discuss this. Let's stick to the plan for a little while, and then move on.

J: Ok, ok, But I'm not liking it. I told you, we should have left this planet for what it is. We had so much fun on Betelgeuse, why didn't we stay there?

G: I've told you why. The whole universe kinda works now, this is the last one that's still fucked up, pardon my French.

J: Well, there's nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake. One little mistake in a few universes is perfectly acceptable, Dad. And remember what they did to me last time?

G: Sorry for that, I really wished that would have turned out better than it did. But we learned from that, no? And you know I'm a perfectionist. Just give me one more chance, and then we're out of here for good. I really think I can make this planet work, but it's gonna be a tough one. A lot of them aren't really co-operating.

J: Well, you're the boss. But those nails stung, especially the ones through my wrists.

G: That was 2000 years ago. Stop whining already. You healed perfectly well, and had some pretty good years on the road.

J: Yeah, I guess. I don't really get it, though. These people are weird.

G: How's that?

J: Haven't you read that Bible thing? I just wished someone had let me proofread it before publishing.

G: But you chose those 4 guys yourself...

J: Still, there's quite a few things I would have changed. It's like reading a really bad unauthorized biography.

G: I'm afraid it's a bit late to change anything now. And it's not all bad.

J: Easy for you to say, you always wanted to go for the martyr thing. And the whole sex thing, what's that all about.

G: What do you mean?

J: Well, I'm not too sure about this 'no sex before marriage thing'. I wish they had invented condoms when I was here last time.

G: Now I get it. This is all about that girl again, isn't it? I thought that was long forgotten. You made a mistake, and we took care of it. I had to give that guy 50 camels to keep quiet about it. It could have ruined everything.

J: And now it only ruined me and the one I'm not supposed to mention. It's still wrong.

G: Let's just change the subject.

J: Fine. So what did you do last night?

G: Eeeuuhhh......

J: Dad?

G: Well, I kinda, sorta ......

J: Just say it already, it can't be that bad.

G: I went to see the Lakers game.

J: WHAAAATTTT????? You had tickets, and didn't invite me? You know I Love Kobe.

G: I know, I know, I'm sorry. It's just that this guy called me at the very last minute, and I didn't have time to contact you.

J: Whatever. Did you at least get his autograph?

G: Of course not. What do you want me to do, walk up to Kobe and tell him 'Please sign this, and just dedicate it to Jesus' ??

J: Why not? Don't you think he knows me?

G: I bet he does. For the last 2 weeks you've been walking around with a Bryant shirt. People start asking questions.

J: Stop it already. I just love that game.

G: Talking about games, did you catch my guy on 'American Idol'?

J: It's that Archuleta guy, isn't it. I guess he's doing well. He's gotta tone it down a little bit, though, people already think he's overdoing it.

G: I talked to him about it. Just mention us every now and then, thank us every few episodes for his voice, he'll get there. He's young, I might need to assist him a bit more.

J: Well, he did great. He might make it all the way. Would be good publicity for us.

G: Wouldn't it? Can you imagine the people's reactions when they realize that the next American Idol is one of God's pupils? Mind you, we're not there just yet.

J: I still think you should have been more careful with the name. Some people might catch up on the 'David' thing. They're not that stupid anymore, you know.

G: I only wanted to leave a few hints. If they figure it out before the finals, then so be it. I've got a few other surprises lined up in other programs as well.

J: Really? Like What?

And so it went on, and on, and on.....