Conversation Made Easy: Tips for Shy People

I have been shy my entire life. I was shy as a child, and I still am. I think that almost everyone is shy in one situation or another. It's not obvious that I am anxious in certain social situations. I don't shake or stutter, and I don't often blush. Honestly I'm more likely to be shy around another shy person. My coworkers would probably never characterize me as being shy, but I attribute that to working with a group of people with a natural ability to make others feel at ease.

I hate approaching new people, I very seldom initiate conversation with anyone I don't know. I have a major inferiority complex. The fact that I am even writing this article is a major step for me. I've always enjoyed writing, but feel that I'm not actually very good at it and have avoided sharing my work. When family members and friends compliment my writing, I tend to tend to think it's because of their fondness for me. After all someone has to be telling those awful singers that try out for American Idol that they're talented, so how do I know people aren't doing the same for me. I hate being paid compliments. I feel embarrassed and tend to say something to discount them instead of graciously accepting and saying thank you. I struggle with making eye contact, it makes me very uncomfortable and I'm usually the first to look down or away.

In my profession as a dental assistant, I find that I don't often have to make eye contact, because I can talk to someone while looking in their mouth, at the dental instrument in my hand, at a patients chart, or at a radiograph. It takes a great deal of resolve for me to make steady eye contact with another person, even with my husband. I would imagine that I often seem disinterested because I don't ask many questions about others. I worry that I might seem arrogant because I wait for people to initiate conversation, which usually involves them asking questions about me, and I am too shy to continue the conversation by asking questions about them which results in me talking all about myself.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with shyness that isn't obvious. My husband struggles in social situations. Unfortunately his anxiety has often been misinterpreted. Some of my friends have asked why he doesn't like them and one of them even commented that they felt he was cocky. This isn't at all his intention, he just doesn't know what to say. I can almost guarantee that if someone asked him to speak in public he would adamantly refuse, perhaps giving them the impression that he's being a jerk.

Sadly this is the case for many, many people. Probably more than most of us imagine. There are some rules that I've learned over time that help me to cope with my shyness though. First, when you know you're going to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable try to visualize things going well. Use relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing to calm your anxiety. Prepare yourself by making a mental list of conversational topics. This may seem difficult at first, but you'll see a world of difference in your ability to carry on a smooth exchange with people you meet. Make it a habit to stay informed about current events and pop culture. Doing so makes it more likely that you will be able to converse with others on subjects that they find interesting.

Practice actively listening. This is difficult for me because when I'm in an awkward social situation I tend to be preoccupied with my discomfort, what I'm going to say next, and how soon I can get out of the predicament I'm in. Instead of worrying about other things listen to the person your talking with and make note of key points you wish to remember. Review these points later to prepare for another meeting with them. This skill is useful in a variety of situations, from interacting with your coworkers, to building relationships with new friends, and it's especially useful in dating.

As I mentioned earlier, I am more likely to feel shy around other shy people. This is because I'm waiting for them to initiate conversation, and they are waiting on me. This creates a particularly awkward and unfortunate circumstance where each of us probably leave thinking the other is unfriendly, or does not like us. For this reason it's crucial for shy people to practice starting conversations themselves. This is where your preparation can come in handy. If your meeting someone for the first time offer a warm greeting and introduce yourself. Ask open ended questions like "Where are you from?", "What's that like?", and "What do you do?" Pay them a sincere compliment. Make conversation about current events, perhaps asking your new friend if they've been following the presidential campaigns or what they think about the recent arrest of a well known television personality.

If your interacting with someone for the second, third, or even hundredth time, your listening skills will come in handy. Think back to the points you made a mental note of during your previous conversation. Ask how their recent vacation went and follow up with open ended questions like, "What did you do?", or "What did you enjoy most?". Again these are questions you should run over ahead of time, rather than relying on your quick wit to think up some Johnny on the spot conversational topics. Remember, compliments are not just for first meetings. Let a friend know that you really like their new haircut or they look like they've lost some weight.

Practice eye contact. Make eye contact with people on the street and in the store as well as people you interact with in the office or at work. Go out of your way to talk to strangers like store clerks or salespeople. Seek out social situations. With conversation, as with every skill, practice makes perfect.

Be prepared for awkward pauses. They will happen. There is no conversationalist so brilliant that they can avoid these uncomfortable silences. Learn to take these opportunities to either redirect the conversation or to excuse yourself.

Finally it's important to identify what it is that makes you shy. For most people, it is a fear of rejection or embarrassment. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" Chances are your life won't be significantly effected if someone decides they don't like you or if you put your foot in your mouth. It happens to everyone. That's not just a cliche, it's the absolute truth. You shouldn't expect to click with every person you meet. Certainly there will be people who do not enjoy your company, and you will not enjoy theirs. Make sure you are giving yourself credit for making an effort to be more outgoing, even if you feel that you fell flat on your face. Face your fears, it's the only way to overcome them.