Cooking for Your Ex's New Boyfriend

Since the beginning of time, certain questions have plagued the human race. Several heated debates have escalated from inquiries such as: Does God exist? The chicken or the egg? To be or not to be? And not to mention the infamous, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

I was caught off guard, I was vulnerable, I was distracted, I was in my underwear watching an episode of CSI Miami when he asked. I, under the influence of the masculine, Cuban, CSI Eric Delko who has been in 109 episodes of CSI Miami from 2002-2006 (Call me obsessive why dont'cha) immediately responded when my roommate walked into my room 3 days ago.

Rameez: "Nando, what are you doing tomorrow night....?"

Nando: "....Not doing anything tomorrow, now move...you're blocking Eric's dimples, juicy lips and perfect teeth!"

Rameez: Great! I'm cooking tomorrow night and I've invited Micheal over cause I want you to meet him.

Nando: (lying through my teeth) Oh Great! I can't wait!!

Rameez and I have been living together as roommates for the last 11 months, before that, we had a brief yet passionate love affair in the summer of 2002. He was 20 years old and I was a mere 27. We proclaimed love to one another, we declared passionate phrases that only a Mexican and Pakistani could share, we saw the future and we were going to surpass the odds against us. Ours was a romance worthy of a Bollywood script...nothing....I mean nothing..... would keep us apart .....3 months later it was over, just like Michael Jackson's career.

Since then, he's become more of a brotherly-type who leaves the cap off the toothpaste, leaves his NYPD thong on floor (he's not a NYPD), and uses up my Crest teeth bleaching white strips without replacing them. He began to date this "Michael" 2 months ago. I must admit, I was curious about this guy. Rameez talks about Michael incestuously and that aroused my curiosity. I was involuntarily directed to Michael's website in the middle of my musical downloading routine. My laptop was whisked away during my search for Jessica Simpson's remixes (don't judge). Ten little Pakistani brown fingers began to type a certain URL address. And just like that, Michael and his designing career website were in my face. I acted as if I didn't care. Rameez, with the energy of a perky chihuahua on 30 cups of coffee exclaimed, "LOOK! This is Michael!" I took my laptop back and said, I don't have time to look at it now, I'll review it later.....except that I accidentally deleted the history on my computer and lost the URL address. I couldn't ask for it again because that would make it seem like I was "interested" in learning about this Michael....and I was not.

So the next morning at work, I spent 6 hours researching this Michael by career, age, nationality, and sexual preference. Bam! His website finally popped up. I clicked on the site and there I was, face to face with Micheal. I hit enter and before I could blink, there were his galleries of photos. I clicked on the thumbnails and that's when my panic attack hit. The room shrank in size, my breathing pattern was that of a straight male at a wet t-shirt contest, my pulse was racing.........all I could think was....this guy is HOT! The eyes, the hair, the killer smile.

Now, I am a civil person. I watch Oprah, I give to the needy. I do not wish evil onto my ex-boyfriends. I want them to be happy, I want them to try and experience joy again. I understand that after being with me, there is no real comparison, but I want Rameez to be happy, but not THIS happy!! My GOD!!

My coworker Chelsea rushes over to my desk after I turn a lighter shade of pale as I wasn't breathing. "What's wrong Nando? Are you okay?" she exclaims, as she looks at my computer screen. Chelsea, ignoring my health status, takes my hand off the mouse and begins to click on Michael's photos. "Who is this? Are you dating him? He is hot.......and successful! Wow! What a catch. How did you find this one?" Why are all the good ones gay?

Nando: (with limited air circulating through my lungs) No! Rameez....is...dating.......him!

Chelsea: oh............!

Nando: Yeah!

Chelsea: Well, he's not that HOT....look, one eye is bigger than the other.

Nando: Really? Which one?

After getting over that episode, I decided to keep my jealously to myself and not mention anything to Rameez. A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my friend Lucky and he asked me for Michael's website. It seems that I tend to bring Michael up in my conversations and Lucky was tired of hearing about him and wanted to check things out for himself.

Lucky: I am not impressed with his work. I've seen better. His website lacks luster and these models are old.

Nando: What are you talking about....models?

Lucky: On his site, he's a photographer right?

Nando: No, you typed in the wrong address. I did it too, the photographer has the SAME NAME.

retype the URL link to get to the right Michael.

Lucky: OH MY GOD! This guy is HOT as HELL! I mean....look at his lips, his smile, Rameez is one lucky man. Damn Nando....this guy is HOT!!!! Whew!!! Good for Rameez!!

Nando: It's all lighting........plus, his left eye is bigger.

It's Thursday night and Michael is due to arrive at our apartment any minute. Rameez is frantic. He's asking me to check the chicken, chill the wine, light the candles. And don't put too much spice in the chicken because Michael doesn't really do spice. Now, after hearing that, I was tempted to put an extra spoonful of spice in the mix, but I decided against it....I put two.

Nando: Does Michael know about our past? (adding an extra spoon of red chillies in the pot)

Rameez: Yes, I told him 1 month after we started dating.

Nando: You did?

The buzzer rings, It's Micheal. He's downstairs and Rameez rushes down to get him. I rush into the bathroom to check my teeth, hair, moisture pattern, and eyebrows (don't judge). I hear them in the apartment and I come out of the bathroom. I see Michael walking towards me and extends his hand out to me. THERE IS A GOD!!!! Or as Miss Sophia would say in The Color Purple, "Tay is a God!" It looked like age had gotten the better of Michael. The hair - gone. His nice masculine and muscular shape had been replaced with a more rotund figure, and unless he shrunk, the photos were kind to him allowing him to give off a tall stature. I was in heaven. I extend my hand out to him and with a sincere smile declare, "I am SO glad to meet you Michael!"

Rameez: (nervous) Nando, will you check the chicken again?

Nando: (happily) Sure.

Rameez: (nervous) Nando... should I heat the pitas now?

Nando: (agreeable) Sure.

Rameez: (nervous) Nando...do you think the wine is chilled already?

Nando: (annoyed) Yeah.

Michael: (analytical) Wow Nando, looks like Rameez would be lost without you.

(awkward silence fills the room)

Nando: (enjoying himself) I think he's just nervous cause it's the 1st time he cooks for you.

Rameez: (finally relaxing) Baby, do you want some wine?

Nando and Michael: sure.

(awkward silence fills the room)

Eventually, we are all having dinner, drinking wine, and sharing stories. Michael for some odd reason keeps asking for more water and has been sweating profoundly since tasting the chicken curry. The evening winds down and I think I can learn to like Michael. I did feel bad because around 3 am, someone was in the bathroom exploring the medicine cabinet for stomach relief....but all in all, I would say the evening was a success. One for the books if you ask me.

The morale of the story:

A. Never judge a book by it's cover.

B. Don't have an ex help you cook a meal for your date.

C. Despite my contributions to Oprah's Angel Network, I am evil and going to hell.