Co-Parenting is Essential for Children After a Divorce

Sally just found out that her parents are getting a 'divorce.' It is an abstract concept to the child. She is not sure what 'divorce' means. But when her parents separate she worries: "What is going to happen to me?"

Sally and all children of divorce will be fine as long as they receive adequate help from their parents to sort out and weather the storm of separation. Parents should explain to their child that they are getting a divorce; they cannot assume that the child knows what is going on.

Saying "We both love you" is the key to get across to children. "We are not divorcing you," should be the underlying statement.

Divorce is strictly an adult solution to an adult problem - it doesn't necessarily help the children. Numerous studies show that the children who are happiest after divorce are those whose parents have worked out something called "co-parenting" where both parents maintaining and fostering the parent/child relationship.

It is highly recommended for divorce couples to seek professional counseling for the entire family during the divorce process, especially for help in determining visitation arrangements. One thing to keep in mind is that "twice a month" is not enough. It's not even nearly enough. Those happiest were the children who saw their non-custodial parent several times a week. Space and freedom to develop affectionate relationships with stepparents is also an important factor.

Working on the "co-parenting" concept not only aids the children, but the parents as well. It provides a focus and helps adults to better integrate their emotions. If the parents are at odds, the child will be more apt to feel that he or she must "choose sides." And, unless it is emphasized that divorce is a parental matter, some children may jump into action to prevent it. Especially for young children, parents must explain divorce not once, but many times and in a variety of ways.

Major Life Crisis

No matter how bad the marriage may be, very few children are relieved to find out about a divorce. Divorce is a major life crisis for most children and adolescents. More often, sadness and anger prevail. The important thing is to be supportive, available, and sensitive to your child. "Some things simply have to run their course."

Aside from anger, other reactions to divorce can differ depending on the age group. The following are general guides, not specifics, for the reactions that may occur to children during and after a divorce:

Pre-Schoolers: Most children respond with observable and significant behavioral changes - regressions in toilet training, increased irritability, whining, crying, general fearfulness, sleep problems, and an increase in aggressive behavior and tantrums.

Five and six year olds: Although these children experience heightened anxiety and aggression at the time of separation, this age group seems to have a more reasonable understanding of the divorce-related changes and their self-confidence and on-going development are not impeded as easily as the younger ones.

Seven to ten year olds: Fears of being forgotten, great sadness about the family breakup and loyalty conflicts predominate in the 7 to 10 year old age group.

Adolescents: Unlike the younger children, who sometimes feel responsible for the divorce, adolescents generally do not take the divorce responsibility on themselves. Distancing and withdrawal will most likely be used as a defense with members of this age group who tend to go out on more social engagements and frequently stay away from home.

Responses Will Disappear

It should be pointed out that after one year, a majority of these behavioral and emotional responses will disappear if the quality of caretaking by the parents is maintained. Parents do not necessarily have to stay together for the sake of their children. The most important thing is the parents should focus more on the reactions of children to divorce to make the divorce process easier for all involved.