Coping With a Child's Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment: What Has Helped Me

On August 31, 2009, my four-year-old daughter started her second year of preschool. One day later, I found out that she had T-cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). To say that I was "devastated" doesn't even begin to describe the shock, panic, despair, anger, terror and pain I felt. Now, 10 weeks later, the initial shock is gone, and the numbness that followed the shock is gone, and my daughter's cancer treatments have become a part of our routine, for better or worse. I'd like to share how I cope with all my worries, fears, and regrets, and how I get through each day.

Before I go any further, I should tell you that I'm not a medical professional. I'm a very ordinary wife and mother of two children. I never expected to have to deal with cancer at my age. It's true that the cancer didn't show up in my body, but you'd better believe that I feel every infusion of chemotherapy and every radiation treatment that my daughter receives. And, just to be clear, she handles all of it much better than I do!

Family and Friends

I don't like to ask for help, but what I've found is that people genuinely want to help us any way they can. So whether I ask for help or not, we have the constant support of our family and friends. I don't think I can say "thank you" enough for everything they've done for us these last couple of months: taking care of my son while my daughter was in the hospital, sitting with my daughter in the hospital, bringing us food, babysitting both kids so my husband and I can go out, doing my laundry and dishes when I wasn't able to, sending us encouraging cards and emails, showering us with gifts of every kind.

We're grateful for a Web site called CarePages where we can post pictures and updates about my daughter. It's a convenient way for us to let concerned family members and friends-especially those who live far away-know what's going on (it's a lot easier than talking to 20 different people on the phone every week), and anyone who visits my daughter's page can leave messages for us. How I love reading those messages! Another Web site that a lot of people in our situation use is CaringBridge.

Words

I'm a writer. Putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper always helps me whenever I'm distraught or confused. Three poems/articles have come out of my darkest moments: "One Precious," "A Letter to My Daughter's Cancer," and "Normal." Writing is a terrific way to release all the scary feelings and reclaim my inner strength.

Wonderful Doctors and Nurses

My daughter has received exceptional medical care at Children's Mercy Hospital. The doctors, nurses, our social worker, the Child Life staff, volunteers and care assistants have all treated us with compassion and respect. They go beyond simply treating physical symptoms; they want to see my daughter happy.

I trust our oncologist to make the right decisions and to explain things that I don't understand. I feel calm when we're in the hematology/oncology clinic at Children's Mercy because we're surrounded by people who know exactly what my daughter is going through. We don't have to feel "different" when we're there.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Grocery Shopping

Sometimes I'm exhausted and overwhelmed-I'm tired of worrying and tired of trying to "see the bright side"-and all I want is an easy escape. That's where movies, short (preferably funny) articles, and TV shows like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" come in (after my kids are in bed, of course). As long as I'm watching Buffy slay vampires and demons, I guarantee I'm not thinking about my daughter's hair loss or crankiness.

Even better than watching "Buffy" or a funny movie at home is getting out of the house to run errands-the kind of errands that make me feel "normal" and carefree. I stay home with my daughter the vast majority of the time. Her immune system is fragile from the chemotherapy, so I don't take her anywhere she doesn't have to go. I don't think she misses going to Super Target, but I do! Whenever I have a chance to get out of the house, even if it's just to go grocery shopping, I take it. While my daughter gets to hang out at home with Daddy or Nana and Papa, I get to buy milk and underwear and batteries and a few things we don't need, just like old times.

Faith and Gratitude

I believe in a loving God. I think everything happens for a reason. My child's cancer is not a punishment. Could it be a gift? A time of reflection? A time of growth? A time of powerful, positive change? Yes! But I know it's not easy to accept a serious illness as a gift.

I still feel resentful and sad sometimes. How can I say "thank you" for something that causes so much pain? Well, in my more enlightened moments, I can look past the pain, which is only temporary, and thank God for every second of this experience-every second is an opportunity to show my daughter how much I love her, and I'd be foolish to waste my time complaining or saying "what if?" The fact is my daughter's still here-she's in remission and doing well-and she isn't resentful and sad. She is happy to play and read books and do silly dances and laugh at SpongeBob Squarepants. Her strength and her joy lift me up and remind me every day of what's truly important.

I believe in the power of prayer. Whenever I feel myself tumbling into a pit of despair, I call out for help, and I'm rescued, instantly. "I can't deal with this anymore," I find myself saying to God, "so it's in your hands now." (It was never in my hands to begin with, but God's too kind to point this out to me.) A simple, affirmative prayer that I say every day for my daughter is, "Audrey is whole and healed. Thank you, God!" I always feel better after I say this prayer. I feel the truth of the words, and I see the truth of the words in my daughter's smile. I try to always focus on her wellness.

To clear my mind, I like to meditate on a single word. "Peace" is the most soothing word I know and the word I repeat most often when I'm feeling stressed and helpless. Say "peace" or "peace is here" five or 10 times, and you'll be amazed at how much more peaceful you feel. For prayer support, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, call Silent Unity at 1-800-NOW-PRAY or visit their Web site here.

About the Pictures

When my daughter had the flu and had to spend two nights in the hospital a month ago, a doctor in the ER gave us a copy of her chest x-ray-he said it was "for her baby book." His attitude made me smile. Clearly, he expected my daughter to make a full recovery from the flu and the leukemia. Up until that point, I was resisting the idea of keeping a lot of souvenirs from my daughter's cancer treatment journey. I decided it's time to start celebrating my daughter's strength, courage and resilience, so I've included two pictures that speak much louder than words.

Recommended Web Sites

The American Cancer Society's Web site is a good resource for parents of children with cancer. Go here to read more about dealing with a child's cancer diagnosis and treatment.

At CureSearch.org, you can find all kinds of information about your child's particular type of cancer and the specific treatments your child will receive.

Children who have been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness are eligible to make a wish through the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Go here to learn more. You will smile.

Sources:

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6X_Dealing_With_Diagnosis_7.asp?sitearea=CRI

http://unity.org/prayer

http://www.curesearch.org/for_parents_and_families/

http://www.wish.org/

http://www.carepages.com/