Coping with the Death of a Spouse

The death of a spouse is always a painful experience. It's a time of intense grief that can produce, numbness of mind, denial, physical and mental breakdowns and the list of ailments can go on. Amidst all the stress and pain, one has to find a way to cope with the situation, allowing healing to take place, and some semblance of normality to return to life. This past June, my wife of 36 years passed away. Her passing grieved me deeply. That was the most intense hurt I ever experienced. However, I managed to find a few ways of coping with the trauma.

I maintained a close relationship with Jesus Christ. Throughout the time of her initial sickness and subsequent hospitalization, I would always ask God to have his way in our lives. I would ask Him for healing, grace and strength to handle the crisis. When I realized that her life was going I thanked God for her life and the many years He gave us together. God gave me an ability to focus on the good times we had together, the children and how they had grown into wonderful adults with beautiful children of their own. And all the other good things we shared together.

When my wife died I leaned heavily on my pastors for spiritual and psychological support. For the first four weeks I called them whenever I wanted. They made themselves available to me even though they had busy schedules. I was able to talk whatever was on my mind when I called. They never made me feel less spiritual than themselves. Their support was unwavering, assuring, healing and encouraging. Without their support throughout my wife's sickness and after she died, I have no idea how I could have quickly overcome the gloom that was all around.

It was absolutely assuring to have her friends as well as mine tell me to call on them for anything I needed. My wife was a generous person. She never refused to give to others or help them in one way or another. Soon after the funeral, I received many calls from persons who related stories of how she had in some measure contributed positively to their well-being. All of those stories brought tears to my eyes; not tears of sadness but of joy and thanks-giving. Work colleagues and church members called as I was on their mind. One friend drove me to the funeral home and accompanied me to the hospital to sign for the release of my wife's body. The same friend calls often to make sure I am doing well. The same day she died, my sister and her husband came to the house to spend some time with me. There was an outpouring of love and condolences from home and abroad. This great demonstration of genuine concern for me and appreciation of my wife's contribution to the lives of so many, reassured me that I was not in this alone.

During the first four to six weeks after the funeral, there were times when I experienced emotions and feelings that were difficult to describe. At one point I began to feel that I could not go on without her but I quickly decided that I had to go on. When these feelings came I would throw some clothes into the car, lock the house and go spend some time with my daughter and her family. I was always welcome at their house. There, my grandsons would entertain me with movies and games. They treated me in a special way.

It has now been ten weeks since the funeral. My wife's clothes are still hanging in the closet, I still visit the grave, I think about her everyday, I still love her and miss her like crazy. Occasionally and momentarily my mind deludes me into thinking that she has just gone on a holiday. But the worse is passed, the crying is over (so I think), the indescribable emotional feelings are gone, laughter and joy have returned. By year's end I plan to give away her clothes but dare anyone ask me to give away her place in my heart. A new day is dawning, but for me there will be no day without sweet memories of her flooding my thoughts.

True, reliable and dependable friends, relatives, church members helped me through this crisis. Faith in Jesus Christ was a stabilizing force during her sickness and after she died. Soon after the funeral I met a friend in a supermarket who enquired whether my faith in Jesus was shaken as a result of my wife's death. I explained to him that to the contrary it had caused my faith in Jesus to become stronger. One needs to build friendship and be of help to as many as one can. That kindness will be returned when you most need it. Most of all, love God and give Him first place in your life. He is a real friend and more.