Coping with Divorce

Everyone is familiar with the commonly used statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. What no one tells you is how hard divorce can be if it happens to you - how you'll have to slowly rediscover yourself as an individual and how, eventually, you can learn from your experiences and find love again.

When you've been married for a long time, your spouse's life becomes an inextricable part of your own. You learn to think and act primarily as one half of a couple. In marriage, that's an important part of a successful partnership. But, when you're staring down the divorce barrel, it can make you feel like you're missing a limb. You start planning dinner for two, making weekend plans for two. Something little happens during your day, and you pick up the phone to tell your spouse about it like you have for years, only to realize with a pang that there's no one to tell. It can be very difficult and very, very painful.

Divorce is a nasty word. It implies a forceful splitting in two, a final separation. In reality, that's exactly what it is. And it sucks. It is the end of a marriage, of something you have dedicated years of your life to. It is admitting the failure of a relationship you thought would last forever, and that's hard to do. But the most important thing - the thing that no one tells you when you're in the throes of a divorce - is this: divorce also signifies a new beginning. It is the opening of a new chapter in your life with endless possibilities (really!). It is a sign that you are strong enough to walk away from a relationship that has become unhealthy, regardless of how difficult it is. You probably don't feel strong at all, which is normal and perfectly OK. But when you're facing your divorce with everything you've got, keep these things in mind to help you cope, heal and move on.

Be Good To Yourself

This is crucial when you're dealing with something as life-changing as divorce, but it can be hard to do. You may be going back to work or working more to support yourself. You are coming to terms with the fact of your failed marriage, and you may feel like you failed just because your marriage did. But look at it this way - you should always treat yourself at least as well as you would treat a friend in the same situation. If a friend were going through a divorce, would you talk to you the way you talk to yourself? Try to monitor your self-talk. You may be surprised at how much you're contributing to your own misery.

Let's go back to your imaginary friend. Would you tell her that the divorce was her fault? That he wouldn't have cheated on her if she hadn't gained weight after the baby? Would you tell her that she failed, and that she'd probably never find love again? Of course not. But women tell themselves these things all the time. Recognize the part of yourself that is hurt, confused and afraid as you go through this separation. Be nice to yourself! When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, stop it and reverse. Tell yourself the divorce was not all your fault. Forgive yourself for anything you did (or believe you did) wrong. Take a bubble bath. Eat ice cream. Take a walk in the park. Understand that there were reasons for the divorce, and it is necessary to go through this process before you can move on.

Ask For Help When You Need It

Remember the missing limb syndrome I mentioned? The one where you're so used to working as a couple that you don't know how to function as an individual? A divorce means filling in all the parts of your life that your husband used to fill, which can be really overwhelming. Maybe you don't know how to change the furnace filter, or which bills need to be paid. Friends and family can be immensely helpful during these times, so don't be afraid to ask questions. Try to look at it as an adventure and a challenge - when you've adjusted to singlehood, you will likely be a more competent, independent woman.

Asking for help also means asking for emotional help and support. Don't be afraid to call a family member or friend if you just need to talk. And if you feel you're becoming overly depressed or can't handle the situation, don't be afraid to seek out a professional to help. The key advantage of seeing a therapist is their ability to see what you're going through from outside of the situation, in a more objective manner. They can often offer insight into things that you won't see, simply because you're so immersed in your pain.

Don't Push Yourself To Date

When it comes to moving on, there is no set rule as to when dating is OK. Some people are not ready for years, while others seem to be ready immediately. When considering when to date, keep in mind, again, the missing limb syndrome? Many newly single women are so used to being half of a whole that they jump back into that role as soon as the opportunity presents itself. This can cause big problems, because you haven't healed, you haven't re-evaluated what you want in a relationship - you're just relieved to be in one. You use the new relationship to tell yourself that you are not a failure, when it may lead to more heartbreak later.

When you are ready to date, take it slow. You may find that the right person crosses your path when the time is right. If you want to test the waters without committing yourself, online personals can be helpful. They allow you to "look," to flirt and to see how you feel about dating without jumping in too deep. And if you find that actually talking to a potential date makes you uncomfortable, you can back off for a bit and give yourself a little more time.

The flipside of the divorce statistic is this: since 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, that means roughly 50 percent of everyone who's been married has been through exactly what you're going through. They've survived, moved on, discovered new relationships and often found that their lives turned out even better than they imagined. So, hang in there. Once you finish this painful chapter in your life, the sky's the limit.

Sources:
www.darndivorce.com