Coping with Grief During the Holiday Season

Most the the time I do fine-then the memories hit me like soul sucking daggers. It is Thanksgiving 2011. This morning I woke up at 2:30 AM physically and emotionally feeling bad. Has it been one year since I almost skipped seeing my mom's family on Thanksgiving due to fear she would catch a flu virus I was fighting? Is it true that she died one full year ago on the 29 ^th ? The answers to both questions are painfully true. The best friend I had while growing up has been gone for one year because her cancer treatment had complications that killed her. Her family feels the loss every day.

My six year old daughter feels the loss more than any one. We had my mom with us for a number of years but in her young life, her grandmother was not here long. One year removed from the event of my daughter's grandmother's death she remarked, "I don't remember your mom, mom." As time goes on, my son may not as well. The tragic thing is neither will have strong memories of her and she went to her death knowing this fact. She loved all four of her grandchildren but two were completely unexpected. Knowing my health history more intimately than I did, my mom knew the odds of my having a child were stacked against me. When two babies came out of me in 18 months, she marveled with me that God blessed me with new life after cancer and new life in spite of cancer.

Mom helped me raise those babies and I have dozens of photos of her with them. At first I found the photos sad because seeing her face reminded me of the gaping hole in my life. Gradually I thought of the circumstances behind the photos. We had so many because the depression after giving birth to my daughter was strong. She was there for us and those babies. Because of the photographs, there is a lasting reminder of the light in her eyes as she held her grandson who was born two days from her birthday and her one granddaughter. The same light shone in photographs of her holding her older grandsons as well.
This is the first holiday season I have painfully felt her loss. Last year we were in the stage of shock of grieving. I see my family cope in different ways---none right and none wrong. I joined a support group knowing I would need it. Sometimes it helps but nothing takes the pain completely away. She was by my side through many medical procedures. What has saved me is the reality of knowing I could die at an even younger age than she because of my genetic problem. Would I want my children to miss my life so badly they could not get on with theirs? Certainly not. Being a mom places me in the position of realizing this while having the best mom taught me to put their needs above pride in being remembered, pride in their love, etc.

Along with normal seasonal affective disorder, the holiday season has began taking its emotional toll. A puzzle piece of our hearts is missing and we must work around it without it being possible to forget it-not that any of us want to forget. The other day my children and I made the fudge recipe my mom made for the holidays. On a rainy day we weathered the storm of life and the storm of her death by sitting on a recliner on our porch wrapped up in Snuggie blankets. I stared at the house my parents and I lived in during my teens and shivered (in part from cold of the weather and in part from cold of my number one fan being gone).

If you are grieving this season, my heart goes out to you. It is the first season I have felt grief as my mom was the first love lost well before its time. All life has good and bad points-grief is the worst. Do not isolate yourself. Find someone to speak with about what you are feeling. Join a grief support group and look for the good. Having faced the possibility of death at a young age also places me in the position to know your loved one would want you to continue in life. I take care of my mom's "grand babies." Just as she told me to do with every phone call from diagnosis to two nights before her death. I remember the good even as we work with the bad-she would want that.

Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.