Coping with Learning Your Child Has Special Needs

In many cases autism, ADD/ADHD and other disorders come as a surprise and therefore a shock for a great number of parents. Otherwise normal, calm, productive adults may suddenly experience severe sadness, panic, anger or other negative emotions when they learn that their youngster has something odd or off about them. Despite our modern times and all the information available through the various news media, myths and misconceptions still abound in regard to what a particular condition may entail. New parents in particular may only be partially educated in any number of potential disorders or disabilities that could affect their child. And that imperfect knowledge may add to feelings of loss and devastation. Whatever plans they had in regard to their offspring must be remade and adjusted. Often drastically. Even well educated adults may lament that their family life is not going to be what they expected. Hopes and dreams for the future may need to be tossed out entirely, depending on the severity of the diagnosis.

As the single mother of four children, I've had to make the mental, emotional and sometimes physical adjustments to living with a special needs child for at least two of my offspring. Three if you count dealing with my eldest and her severe bouts with depression from a very tender age, especially when puberty arrived and hit her even harder. Even my one 'normal' child has provided various challenges and forced me to adapt. I've had numerous people tell me how extraordinary they believe me to be for what I've had to cope with and how well I've handled it all.

I happen to come from a family predisposed to ADD/ADHD and depression, among other things, so there was not nearly the surprise factor that other parents may experience. It didn't really surprise me when my second-born daughter received the diagnosis of ADHD. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it was actually a struggle to get the doctors and schools to recognize her symptoms and behavior as the signs of her total condition. She was already receiving speech therapy for a pronounced 'accent'(an odd lyrical quality to the way her sentences flow that she still has to some extent today) and the absence of certain sounds in her words. The speech problem masked some of her other behaviors and anomalies, though. I had to strongly advocate for her until we found the right specialist who recognized the entire package. Once this was done, readjustments to her school curriculum could finally be put in place to help her cope with an environment that was not the best suited for an easily distractable, disorganized mind and overactive body.

I would like to say that after figuring out the special qualities of one child, learning about more in the others was easier to accept and handle. Accommodations with my youngest son's schooling as well as how to deal with him at home were already in place because certain patterns had already been established and recognized via his older sibling. We knew that he had a speech impediment similar to but worse than his sister and that he exhibited signs of ADD, without the hyperactivity aspect.

There are some drawbacks to an older sibling paving the way, too, however. Despite measures taken due to what knowledge we already had, I and the professionals we worked with missed the Asperger's/autism aspect of my youngest son's diagnosis until he was starting his teen years. I have since learned that this is a fairly common preliminary diagnosis for autism when it falls in the higher functioning range. Once we had the rest of the puzzle figured out, his classroom and home life accommodations received further tinkering.

All this may sound like I'm an incredible champ as I've forged through life and helped my special youngsters make their way through a world in which they don't always fit. But there have been plenty of moments when I have felt like I was falling apart, too, just like those new parents as they receive the first of many shocks and disappointments. My upset is not so much due to the fact that life with my children is so different from what I may have imagined(it is, but that's beside the point) but simply because children in general place all sorts of stresses on a household. From the terrible twos to the teen years and beyond, parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world and it is a lifetime commitment fraught with more perils and tribulations than any daytime soap or evening drama could hope to cover. Add extras like speech impediments, hyperactivity from ADHD, overly creative minds with a unique slant on the world and severe communications issues and you have a recipe for potential disaster around every bend in life's road beyond that found in most other homes. I can understand why even knowledgeable adults may cry when they learn of what extra challenges await them due to having a special needs child. The prospects can be quite daunting.

I'll admit it has been rough on more occasions than I care to count, but these are my precious babies and I can't let them down. No matter what accommodations need to be made, these are still wonderful young people and there is plenty to enjoy about each child in his or her own right. Each is a unique personality, with talents and abilities both due to and despite their physical, emotional or mental drawbacks. They provide joy and enrichment to my life, perhaps more so in some ways than for those with 'normal' children because with every hurdle overcome and every challenge met, the pleasures seem that much sweeter in comparison. It may have taken my ADHD daughter an extra year to earn her high school diploma, but we celebrated until the cows came home when she finally brought home that sheepskin. It was a reward hard won and richly deserved.

So for those parents just receiving what you may at first believe to be bitter news, take heart. There are bound to be triumphs and joys in your future. Different or disabled does not mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness as a parent. It just means you need to readjust your goals and expectations. Also keep in mind that even 'normal' children are going to have their quirks and problems. At least yours come with something resembling a user's manual in the form of what your child's particular diagnosis may entail. I can't count how many times an issue has come up for a fellow parent in regard to their abled children where they've lamented not knowing how to deal with their child's behavior. Oh, how wonderful it would be if each baby were born with something in writing to tell us what quirks and special approaches are required for that particular little person. With a special needs child, you have exactly this sort of heads up to give you at least some idea of what may or may not be involved when it comes to dealing with your specific progeny. That's more than most parents get. And in most cases, the school and medical associations have programs in place to give you plenty of information and support as you and your child struggle with whatever issues come your way.

If I had known before having each of my children what life might hold for them and myself, I believe that I would still have gone through with each pregnancy. They each have something valuable to contribute and I would not want to be the one responsible for taking that away from the world, let alone my own life. They have brought me just as much if not more laughter and achievements by the very virtue of having to work a little harder to make their way in the world. I would not trade any one of my children for anything else in the universe.