Coping with Life's Challenges when Your Spouse is in the Military

I have known a lot of military families over the years, active duty members, children of military members and also spouses. Each family has coped with their unique issues in different ways. Some couples have maintained strong marriage bonds, others have divorced. As a child, I went to school with many American and half-American children who had at least one parent in the Armed Forces. I know these children were sometimes quite troubled and found it hard to form any real friendships because they knew they would not be staying put for too long. Some got into trouble with the law, others did badly in school, while others thrived. The latter category felt as if they had something to prove. Even though each child I knew was different the one factor that remained the same was that within a few years they were gone again as their parent was stationed somewhere new.

Since my marriage to a member of the Air Force I have been able to gain a greater incite into the challenges that the active duty members as well as the spouses have to go through. It really is like stepping into a new world. Civilian values can almost be forgotten as spouses take on board the values of the military. You soon come to realize that the military way of life encompasses many different aspects of life. Health care, shopping, even visiting the hairdresser's is done within a small community where people know each other. Even now, I know that when we are on base, my husband is bound to see someone he works with or knows in some other capacity. But coming back to the issue of spouses, some are able to easily form a deep bond with others in the same situation as them, while others remain separate. I made a conscious decision early on to not socialize too much with other spouses, and I did not join the Spouses Club or other agencies. I really did not think that I would have anything in common with a lot of them. After exchanging pleasantries with many military spouses and talking a bit about what our husbands did for a living, I would often have nothing else to say to them. Conversation did not really have any other direction to go in. As much as I love and cherish my husband, I felt that I wanted to maintain my own identity, rather than be known only as "Sergeant so and so's wife". Wherever we moved to, I made firm friends with people who had no connection to the military. It was nice to converse about topics that did not include the military and to concentrate on other things. That is not to say that I avoided all contact with other military families. My husband would sometimes be invited round his colleague's house for a meal and I would join him. I usually enjoyed myself, but I would sometimes feel a little out of my depth when they would talk about work and this limited the amount of input I could contribute.

At work, I would not identify myself as the spouse of an active duty member, not because I was ashamed of my husband, but because I found that people would try to exploit my position once they knew more about me. I had so many people tell me they wanted me to take them with me to the base or to buy them things. These people were not even friends. I knew their motives were not really good. They were only interested in me for what I could give them. I hardly knew most of them and could not vouch for their good conduct. If I had risked this and something had gone wrong, it would have made my husband look bad. I always wanted his reputation to remain untarnished and for people to continue to respect him at work, not to be talking behind his back about his wife's misplaced trust in others and where it had got her. So I would not disclose much about my family situation unless I was specifically asked what my husband's job was. I know that other military families also get in the habit of keeping certain information private. There is no need to let everyone know your business, after all!

Coping with deployments can be a real challenge that the majority of military families have to face at one point in their lives. I have done it and I know others who have too. It is a regular part of military life and is accepted as such. Before we were married my husband and I had spent time apart. So by the time of his deployment, we were used to it. The military has a lot of positive schemes in place to help families cope with the separation from their spouse or parent. They can help provide what is called morale calls that are made for free for a specified amount of time each week. I found this really good and beneficial. They are also able to provide e-mail access. I availed myself of this each day and would regularly e-mail my husband while we were apart. He knew everything that was going on at home. We communicated better than we usually did when we were together! Then there was childcare assistance made available for those with children and a weekly free meal put on for spouses who wished to go along. I did not require either of these last two provisions. I was fortunate because at the time of my husband's deployment I was living close to home, just 10 miles away from where most of my family were living. So I did not feel a need to socialize with other spouses or rely on them for moral support. My family provided me with all the support I needed. Many military families live far from home for much, if not all of, their spouse's career, so it is understandable that many draw closer to other military spouses' for support. I fully understand that and I respect their decision.

Work helped me to maintain a regular routine and to not feel so isolated while my husband was deployed. It is a real benefit for spouses who are able to have a secular job, as they can then focus on other matters. Before you know it, the time is up and your spouse is home again! The military also provides support for when the military member returns. They are given time off to spend with their families and to get re-acquainted with their children. This helps to gradually re-integrate the military member back into their position in the family. It can be harder than some people think to do this. For the time the military member was gone, the spouse and children longed for their return and likely formed lots of idealistic views about how wonderful their reunion would be. But there is so much more to cope with. The spouse who stayed at home has had to take on two roles for the last few months, perhaps acting as the mother and father in the home or the one who has suddenly had to take over all the financial matters that were usually handled by the other spouse. When the military member returns, it can be hard to hand back this responsibility and then the clashes and arguments begin. A child may have become used to being disciplined a certain way from their Mum, only to have their Dad return and be treated differently. Children can resent this and may even wish their Dad had stayed away! It does take time to get used to each family member again. That may sound strange for a family that have been together for a number of years. But people can change in a very short space of time. So it is necessary to get to know about their new goals and ideals in life, that have been formed during this deployment. Open and candid communication is really the key to overcoming these issues. Perhaps the returning military member will realize their spouse did such a good job in handling the finances that they agree he or she should continue to do so. Or discipline may need to change slightly to accommodate the other parent's wishes too. Compromise will get you further than just demanding your former "rights" once you return home. Do not spoil the reunion by fighting. You have longed for this day for months!

It is not easy dealing with frequent job changes when your spouse is in the military. Employers may look at your job application with more sympathy though once you explain why you have had several jobs in the last few years. It is not as if you were fired. You resigned because you had a legitimate reason to do so, your spouse's move to a new base or station. The military often offers excellent career advice and enhancement opportunities for spouses who wish to work. I would suggest you take advantage of these, if you so wish. Also, research the area you will be moving to prior to your move and look for local jobs. You need not be pushed aside each time just because you are a military spouse. More and more companies are willing to offer flexible working hours, so be sure to inquire after these and see if you can find a job that will fit around your erratic schedule. Working from home might be another option you can explore. This is certainly preferable for mothers who wish to devote time to their children, rather than spend a lot of money on child care.

Relocating on a regular basis is somethng you will soon get used to. No one said it would be easy to uproot several times, but as my husband sometimes reminds me, the military did not issue him with a wife. Of course, he is right. The provisions made are for the military member and the Air Force's benefit. I accept that and moving is one such issue that comes part and parcel of military life. For those who are new to the military way of life, I will say something to you on this subject. It will get easier! It may take time to put down some roots, but you will eventually start to feel more involved in your community, whether or not that includes the military community or not. Try to make friends with those who are not necessarily directly involved with the military and learn more about their lifestyle. Volunteer your time to a charity that interests you or help out in some other capacity that will open up opportunities to make friends with more people. It is helpful to have friends from all walks of life, rather than just one pathway. Whenever I move, I do not view that as the end of a friendship. My best friends are those who live thousands of miles away, but I still keep in regular contact with them via e-mail and letters. I also try to visit them whenever I can. That helps me see that even though my home might change soon, my friends will remain the same.

The military life is not for everyone. It is best to be well informed of what it will involve before you say "I do" to your spouse. Once you marry your spouse you have essentially married his job too. He can give you some advice about what to expect, common expectations and the need to carry your ID card around with you at all times, but the real eye opener will come after your wedding. For those who are in a military family, they can succeed as husbands, wives and children. The pressures of dealing with moves, deployments and so forth can be viewed as the chance to see a different part of the country or the world, rather than as a burden. Remember too that your spouse will not always be in the military. They will retire one day and then you can move to where you would like to and put down more permanent roots. "Home" will then be wherever you want it to be.