Coping with Long-term Grief

Much has been written on the subject of "grief" over the loss of a loved one. Indeed I myself have written articles on this subject. However, almost universally, these articles, books and self-helps focus on the short term. That is to say, the period immediately after the loved on has died. What about later on, years down the road? Does the grief just go away or lessen with the passing of time?

Sadly, it does not; it merely becomes a part of us as we grow used to it thereby coping with our pain. The grief is always there, no matter how well one has managed to "cope with (their) grief." It lurks below the surface, sometimes buried deep, and can be brought boiling up by the most unexpected of things.

These resurgences of grief can range from the briefest flicker of thought of the deceased loved one, quickly suppressed, to a total outburst of anguish, just as fresh as the day the person died. The degree or frequency of the events varies from person to person, depending on how each individual deals with their emotions, but no one who has suffered loss is immune to them.

In the many years (more than a decade) since the deaths of my son and my first wife, I have found it healthy to purposefully remember them from time to time. When I do not, and something triggers a sudden memory of one or both of them, I feel ten times the anguish because it is magnified by a feeling of guilt for "having forgotten them."

I am not saying I walk around dwelling on the ones I have lost, far from it, but one cannot simply dismiss a loved one completely either. I have set them aside, in my heart, but I do not morbidly dwell on them. There is a difference between "remembering" and "dwelling." One is a good, healthy act which helps one deal with grief. The other is a self destructive obsession which does nothing but lead you into an emotional and physical downward spiral. Eventually you will hit bottom, hard.

If you have lost a loved one make a point of remembering them. Remember the good things about them and the good times you had with them. Do not let your thoughts linger on some unfinished business, such as a thought you never expressed or an act you never apologized for. If you are a Christian, and they were also, you will get a chance to tell them what you need to one day (though I strongly suspect that, on that day, whatever it was will be so trivial as not to matter). If something is really bothering you as time goes on, try writing it down. You might even go so far as to write a letter, to your deceased loved one, outlining everything you have to say. Do it once and be done with it. No, they will not magically "know what you wrote," this is for you. It is so that you can have some closure. You may be surprised how much better you feel after "getting things off your chest," even if no one will ever see it.

As the years go by, keep key dates in mind. You do not need anything elaborate, just mark them on your calendar and take a moment to look at a picture and remember your loved one. Focus more on the positive dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) rather than negative ones (the date of death).

If you find yourself unable to get your loved ones out of your mind, so much so that it is a constant strain as time goes on, seek the help of a counselor. There is no shame in having loved someone so deeply, indeed I pity anyone who goes through life without knowing such love for another, but you should not let it tear you apart.

You will find that friends, family and co-workers expect you to "get over it" after the death of a loved one. Oh, they may allow for a time of mourning but they will eventually expect you back to your old self as if nothing has happened. Those who have not experienced loss like this do not realize that things will never be like they were; you have to adjust to a new reality. Bear with them, they probably think they are "helping you to move on" with their prodding. They are trying to help you in their own way. If you snap back at them you will just be causing needless frustration on both sides.

One last thought, one that I have often had. Even though my first wife and son are gone now, I am thankful for the time I had with them. I would not trade that for anything in the world. Rather than feeling gut wrenching aguish over your loved ones loss, be grateful that you have had time with someone you love and who loved you. Many people never know this joy at all.