Coping with the Loss of a Child

It has been ten years. Ten years since his birth, and ten years since his death. They say that time heals all wounds. I do not believe this. I only believe that in time, the wound is more bearable to live with. It has been ten years, and I am still finding ways to cope with my loss. I hope that those of you reading this, who have also suffered the loss of a child will find this article useful in helping you to cope with your grief too.

For the first week after my son passed away, I felt like a zombie. I would look around me at my surroundings, at my living son. I could see and hear all that was around me, but I didn't actually feel as if I were a part of any of it. I remember being told that I had to be strong for my living son. I had to keep it together so I could be there for him. He was only 14 moths old at the time, but he understood well enough to know that his new baby brother, who was only 5 weeks old when he passed, would no longer be with us. Yes, I had to hold it together for his sake, but I also needed to grieve. My solution was to try to make life as normal as possible for my living son.

For me, the first step of recovering from the loss of my son, was to make myself realize that life still goes on. No matter how badly I wanted the wold to stop and go back to the morning my son died, time would not reverse. What was, was. I had to make myself realize that before I was able to begin recovering. For those who have experienced the loss of a child recently, I give you this advice. Force yourself to get out of bed each and every day. Force yourself to get dressed, eat, shower, and to do all of the daily activities that you have always done. The longer you wait to make that first step, the harder it will be. At first, it will seem virtually impossible to do anything, you may even feel guilty for doing things. You have to get a bit of normalcy back into your life in order to move forward. Besides, if you have other children, they are grieving too and they need to know you are there for them.

Once I went back to work, I had several days when I would just stat crying for no apparent reason. Of course, my reason was that I was thinking about my deceased son, but not many people understood. Aside from a select few people who actually spoke to me, I felt very alone at work for quite a while. The few people who understood really helped me. They would allow me to talk about it when I felt I needed to, they often offered a shoulder for me to cry on, they also tried desperately to make me smile. Of course, outside of work, I had my family, but they were grieving too.

My second step to recovering was to talk about it. Yes, this was very hard for me to do. To be honest, ten years later, it is still hard for me to talk about. I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive family to talk to as well as a couple of very close friends. I understand that my family suffered a loss right along with me, and I also understand that my friends may not completely understand my grief. It just helps knowing I can call any of them just to talk and they will listen. The first time I actually talked about it to anyone outside of my family, it made it seem more real. It felt like I was waking up from a horrible nightmare just to realize it really wasn't a dream. The second time I talked about it, it was a tiny bit easier, and it seems to get a little easier each time I talk about it. My advice for those who have experienced the loss of a child is to talk about it. Don't worry what other people will think. Who really cares what they think anyway? You are the one grieving, and you need someone to talk to. Talk to a close friend or go to a counselor. Go to a grief relief group.Talk to a priest. Whatever and wherever and whoever you decide to talk to, you need to talk about it.

We all know that sometimes, talking isn't enough. Late at night, we may have no one to talk to. I felt like this. I remember lying awake at night. Night after night. I just could not sleep. I am not one who likes to take medication, so I found other ways to cope and clear my head. I wrote. I not only wrote in a journal to myself, I also wrote letters to my deceased son. I would tell him whatever I was on my mid in my letters. Of course, I knew he would never actually read them, but it still helped me cope. For those of you who are coping, try this trick. Keep the letters somewhere that only you know about. Over time, you will not feel the need to write as much, but you may read what you wrote and see how well you have been coping. You can see progress in your own writing.

Now, as I have said, it has been ten years since my loss. Each year as his birthday and death day approach, I can feel myself become slightly depressed. Some times it is worse than others. I wonder how tall he would be now, and what exactly he would look like, and so many other things that I will never know. My son was only 5 weeks old when he passed away. One way I cope with this, as well as help my oldest son cope with this is to release balloons every year on his birthday. One balloon for each year. We let the balloons go and watch them until we no longer see them in the sky. At this point, my oldest son and I say Happy Birthday and We Love You to my deceased. My younger children are also included in this tradition. This helps us to cope with his loss because we feel like we "gave him something" for his birthday just as we would if he were still with us. For those of you trying to cope,, I suggest honoring your loved one who has passed on their birthday. If not their birthday, some day that holds significance to you. This way, you feel as if you are still doing something to honor them and in a way, they live through you.

Every person grieves differently. The things that help me cope, may not help you. Then again, they may. I put a lot of faith in God. It comforts me. I tell myself that my son is with the only Person who could ever love him more than I do. I tell myself that he isn't sick and never will be. I tell myself a lot of things. The bottom line is that ten years ago I had to bury my second born son. He was only an infant. No matter what I did or do in the future, I can not bring him back. To really cope with it all, I had to admit these things. This was very hard to do, but in doing so, I have been able to move forward without constantly dwelling on the past. Of course, I wonder "what If..", everyone does. I can't change it. Once I admitted it to myself, I was able to make the choice to learn from my loss and allow it to make me stronger. My advice to you is to do just that. Allow yourself to ultimately grow from your loss. It sounds funny, maybe even horrible, but you have a choice. You can either dwell on your loss and the circumstances surrounding it, or you can find the lesson to be learned and grow from it. I chose to grow from it. I hope you do too. To dwell on it will only make you miserable. The deceased is no longer sick or in pain. They would not want you to be miserable either. Grow from your loss.

Most importantly, understand that there is no time limit on grief. You can grieve your loved one for the rest of your life if you so choose. Do your best to grieve in a healthy way. Don't punish yourself, because chances are that you could not have changed the outcome no matter what. You can grieve and still live a happy life. I know this is possible because I do it each and every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my tiny angel, but I have learned how to think about him without being unhappy.

In conclusion, I want to wish all of those reading this article the best of luck coping with their loss. I truly hope that the small words of advice I have given will help at least ONE person cope a little easier. If not, please find your own healthy way to cope. The grief will never completely go away, but it can be made easier to deal with. Time may not heal all of the wounds, but time can help you recover.