Coping with the Loss of Your Partner

Living life without your partner is one of the hardest things any of us will ever face. Death can change your whole life in an instant. Coping with such a deep loss on a day to day level can leave one exhausted, depressed, anxious and just ready to give up. It is important to allow yourself time and space to grieve. It's also crucial to remember there is no time limit on grief. In fact, the death of a spouse or partner will leave the surviving half, changed for life.

The hardest part of grief is moving on with our day to day lives. During the first weeks or months there are many people around the bereaved wanting to help. For most of us, the support slowly dries up to a trickle after several weeks, then eventually to nothing at all in the following months or years. This can leave one feeling even more lost & hopeless. How does one cope and begin to live life again when everyone around us has seem to forgotten we are still grieving?

In our society grief is a much feared component of death. It is only natural people will shy away from those grieving. It can make one reluctantly face their own mortality. It's also very difficult to imagine and relate to another person's reality when you have not lived it yourself. Often times well meaning friends and family with recommend therapy and drugs to "cure" our depression. While some people may need medical assistance to get through the depression that can accompany grief, it's not for everyone and is not always essential to healing after a deep loss.

There seems to be a silent underlying rule in our society that a year is enough time to grieve and move on. Nothing could be farther from the truth for many grieving widows and widowers. Our lives are forever changed, how would one even begin to think of moving on?

As the weeks and months pass, you will find life really does continue. With or without our participation. It's not an easy transition by any means and can alienate us further from those we love. The best thing we can do for ourselves is allow ourselves space and time to grieve, regardless of what society tells us. If it's not self destructive, it really is ok. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in the way that feels most comfortable to you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are no rules.

The following is a list of 12 survival techniques that will help support and empower you during your time of need. Not all of them will be right for everyone and don't feel compelled to complete the whole list. You can pick and choose what you are drawn too and hopefully it will help you begin to heal and move forward.

Create a Support Network- Reach out to others! Support groups online and in real life can prove extremely valuable to those grieving. Just knowing that other's are going through the same things can be extremely reassuring and comforting. Being able to commiserate with others can also be pivotal in the healing process.

Reading- There are many helpful books on grief out there some widows and widowers find great comfort in reading. Check your local library or do a quick internet search to find reviews of popular titles.

Writing- Journaling day to day can really help you work through feelings. it can also be a benchmark to look back upon to see your progress. Also for many writing poetry or stories about the deceased can be healing as well. You don't need anything fancy to start, a plain notebook or online blog will do.

Exercise and Bodywork-Exercising can help release endorphins in the brain which in turn will help with grief immensely. body work such as massage is also a great option and can be a wonderful avenue to healing one's body and soul.

Sleep- Insomnia is a real problem for alot of folks who are enduring the grieving process. It's very important for the sake of your physical and mental health to try to get enough sleep as to not stress your body further. If you have trouble sleeping it would be wise to investigate natural techniques first before resorting to prescription medicine. Warm baths before bed or a cup of herbal tea and relaxing music can be helpful. It's very easy to become dependant on sleep aids during grief so it's wise to steer clear of these if at all possible. However, if they are needed by all means use them responsibly under a doctor's care.

Nutrition- A healthy diet will help keep you functioning. Such a basic task may seem elementary by some, yet can seem like a monumental feat in the face of grief. The way we cook and what meals we prepare can also be a very sad reminder of our loss as well. Don't be afraid to try something new or different. Try some new recipes or dining out of the house can help throw positive change into the mix. The change of pace may really help.

Living Memorials- Moving on doesn't mean one has to forget their spouse. There are many ways to create living memorials to our loved ones. Planting gardens or trees in their honor can help the survivor focus on something outside oneself. Nourishing even just a houseplant or amemorial bench can help us honor our loved ones each and every day. Don't be afraid to be creative in your grief.

Reinventing and Finding Oneself- This is the most difficult task of all. Little by little you will start to discover yourself again. It can be a scary road but give yourself room to grow. It helps to remember your spouse would want you to live a happy life. It's ok to contibue your life. Losing a spouse can also be liberating in the sense that we have come through the grief whole. Don't be afraid to discover who you are now!

Dreaming a New Dream- It is possible to dream again. Creating a list of goals and executing steps to achieve them may help. Just finding something worthwhile to work towards can renew one's hope in life.

Hobbies- Take a class or join a group. Or just do what you love in your home! Finding something you love to do can be extremely fulfilling in the throes of grief and can become nurturing activities for the soul. Drawing, sewing painting, baking, writing, knitting or really just about anything at all you enjoy doing, will do. Find something you love to do and go out and do it! You may be surprised by the boost it gives your spirit.

Faith- Many people turn to their faith in times of tragedy and find great comfort in their spiritual practices. Church groups and spiritual practices are important as we learn to live again.

Nurturing- Nurturing another life can be healing and fulfilling.. Pets and children can be a great way to facilitate joy for those grieving.

Most of all remember healing won't happen overnight. You only need to get through the next day, week or month. If that is too long to think about, then try taking it in hourly increments. Looking at things in the short term versus the long term is helpful during grief. It won't change how you feel, but it may help you cope.